<i>Friends, we believe that Santa exists for those who believe in him. Now friends, we know what you're thinking.
'What about all those Chinese people who don't know about Santa? Don't they deserve gifts at Christmas?' True, and that's why we've
created outreach programs,
to enrich their souls with gentle lessons about eight tiny reindeer and the soft belly jiggle of a man they call St.
Nick. No one knows the holiday's true meaning until they have looked into the desperate, beady eyes of an atheist and
taught him how to string bubble lights or wrap a tricky spherical gift. You may wonder, 'What about the poor people in
America? They believe in Santa. How come they get shafted?' All right, that's a good point, we haven't gotten around to
that, but we figure the whole eight-tiny-reindeer lesson might do the trick. It is very heartwarming. ...Listen, if Santa
doesn't exist, then who guides the sleigh? Who brings the presents? Us?!? Do you think humans could pull off something so
hugely impressive as Christmas? No freaking way. If Santa doesn't exist, I'd like to know who inspired the outlandish Bill
Murray vehicle Scrooged or those claymation specials on TV. If Santa doesn't exist, why did I just teach a child, withered
by disease, to make the perfect wassail? Friends, Santa exists. And you can either believe in him, and get your iPod and your
cheese logs and your little happy consumer widgets, or you can spend the rest of your life in shivering, agonizing giftless-ness.
The choice is up to you.
[<a href="http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/editorial/the_non_experts_desk_santa_claus.shtml">more</a>] (possibly the best Morning News piece <i>and</i> the best Christmas piece ever. the above quote from <s>Paul Ford</s> Sarah Hepola (<b>Update:</b> Paul's was too sarcastic for some, plus I wanted to also put Sarah's up here because it was also so brilliant, but not make the entry so long; just go read the article ok?), but only one of many...definately check out <s>Sarah Hepola</s> Paul Ford's and Kevin Guilfoile's contribs as well...)