just a little vent here.
u may have noticed that i haven’t recorded for some time. i go around arlington and i sometimes mention my CD–that was SIX years ago now. unbelievable. i got the Korg last year and dumped down some real rough demos, threw them on my mp3.com page, but i haven’t even had a chance to clean them up and get them over the IUMA, where i’ll be moving my music page. but let alone actually getting a project together–i’ve metioned three different ones on the pages of this site over the past couple years, and they are still in the stew of my mind, ready to be plopped out like another catholic baby any second now. but they don’t, because i don’t do it, and that is for a few reasons:
- I filled up the korg’s hard drive. i deleted a bunch of tunes i didn’t care about saving the tracks for, but at this point the thing is packed and i need to backup and delete some tunes i’m not going to mess with for a while. so the end of last summer i bought a 70 clam old-as-shit CDRW that’s supposedly compat with the korg. only thing is the thing has never worked. not even detecting a CDR in the thing. fucking Ebay. never again. i avoid that site now like the plague. so here i sit unable to cut a new song without deleting something permanently. or i need to mosey on over to korg’s site and buy me a brand new 250 clam internal CDRW. do we do this less than two months before we move to Sarajevo? so hard to say–on one hand i hate to have something like that shipped over there. on the other i hate to have it moved over there.
Problem is, I keep writing. I just finished another keeper today. I wrote 3 not-really-keepers-but-not-throwaways–b-sides–in the last 3 weeks. Only there’s no easy way to get them out there. U have to be at a particular open mic to hear any new stuff, and then maybe only once.
I’ve realized I hate producing my own stuff. I need someone to produce the tracks. By the time I’ve done a rough cut of the thing, I’m sick of the track, I’m sick of my playing, I’m sick of my own singing. I need a producer-slash-advocate to help add a set of ears, some experience, and some energy to the mix.
I’m stuck in the grown-up-American bullshit that I can’t blow another 3 grand on another project. A–it’s frivolous and B–the first project never sold out its 500 copy printing. (And C–I don’t even want the first project out there anymore.) But none of those are good reasons to deprive myself one of the most creatively satisfying experiences I’ve known.
Bottom line–I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what other people would think, have thought, are thinking. I’m afraid of your thoughts, your opinions. I seek your praise and your love and your adoration and your admiration but I fear even more your hate and your condescension and your laughter …and I fear absolutely the most, to the point of a frozen death stuck here in my tracks, not that going into the studio for the sake of going into the studio and for no other return than that would break the Miller family bank, but that the world would say, “What a waste,” and “Look at that poor boy,” and “What was he thinking.” I fear that once again nobody will care about the thing that is produced, that the Immediacy, yes, even that, will vanish, completely washed over by the imminent unrecognizability, the lostness of it all, the only people being the few that I give it to and the few that actually buy it–my most proudest project of all. Stacked up in the not-so-metaphorical garage of failure once again.