Many Earthling humans also prefer to appear as if they’re smaller than they usually are when they wear these skimpy pieces of cloth, because they’ve been tricked into believing that bony, diminutive Earthling bodies are more exciting to rest your eyeballs on than those bodies that are less tiny and angular…
But making your Earthling body smaller is just one impossible goal that Earthling capitalists give us so we stay fixated on difficult but pointless fake achievements instead of noticing that they’re overheating our planet and destroying its natural resources while they plan an escape route to another planet that they’ll use once they’ve fucked this one into the ground. Makes sense, right?
…This is a cocktail. When the napping and donuts and bickering get to be too much, we like to pour this beverage into our food holes, because it changes the alcoholic content of our bloodstreams in ways that make us even stupider. As it turns out, being very stupid and insensitive is much more relaxing than being very smart and neurotic and oversensitive. This is why families full of “smart” (relative to other Earthlings, still absurdly stupid to you aliens), neurotic, oversensitive humans like to mix up cocktails and pour them into their food holes in each other’s company. Stupid insensitive Earthlings like to do this, too, actually. Some Earthling humans think it’s “unhealthy” and “dangerous” and “self-destructive” to do this, and they’re probably right about that, but we feel sorry for them anyway.
Ask Molly is some of the best writing I’ve stumbled across on the internet lately. It reminds me of the good old days when it seemed like a majority of writing online was really good. It’s a freemium email newsletter model, and I’ve yet to subscribe. (If I had fewer subscriptions in my life, I would have already.) But it is certainly worth more than just my time and attention.