ok one more by way of at least a few factsWon't leave you hangin that much, particularly now that anything to do with the EP has been struckthrough, a new development since I wrote that last entry, even. So just the facts: --I wouldn't have been able to blog about either of the gigs anyway, because I leave for Slovakia tomorrow morning and most likely will not have internet access until I get back to Bosnia in September. --I'm a little bit manic-depressive and a lot too sensitive to outside things. These have combined since coming to BiH in new and *ahem* exciting ways, with all the external problems, plus a lot of other personal problems I don't share on this blog, having little to no support structure, etc., to create for me days like yesterday. --But yesterday wasn't done with just a nice dose of depression, no sir. The EP story... So we have an ok rehersal yesterday afternoon, I'm sure there will be some fuck ups tonight at the gig, but we'll plow through them and in general rock, as long as there is a good crowd with some energy. I will definately have NO voice after the gig. Just as well. After we were done, around 7:30, the guys took me to pick up the CD's. I immediately got a bad feeling when I was no longer dealing with the guy I had been dealing with all along, but was picking up the CD's from these two gangster-looking guys working out of their low-rider Benz. I got back in our car with the CD's and immediately Elvis goes, "Were they mofia or what?" I said, "I'm never doing business with that guy again." But I got my CD's, they didn't look half bad, so that was that. I thought. I got home and first thing stuck one in the CD player. I was never concerned about the music reproduction because, after all, this is now digital to digital reproduction, exactly like when you or I burn a CD on our computer: an exact copy, and you don't have to be a techie to burn a CD on a computer, right? I was checking the disk more for skips or improper tracking (the pirated CD's here are almost never tracked correctly, meaning "track 1" is the first song plus a split second of song 2--a major pain in the ass when you have your CD player on "random")......but I popped it in and immediately, within a second, could tell something was horribly wrong... You're thinking: "The CD contained Bosnian turbo-folk music!" NO! That, my friend, would have been great--at least some hilarity to go along with my shock, disappointment and confusion. The sound quality was simply horrible. It sounded like an analog recording reproduced 100 times (you know, like a tape of a tape of a tape ... + 98 more times). My heart immediately sunk to the ground floor (we live on the 4th). I tried another one in disbelief...how could they fuck this up? ...but it was exactly the same shitty quality. I had one of my 2 masters sitting right there, so I confirmed that it was fine; it was. I thought maybe the master I gave them was fucked up somehow, so I ran and grabbed it from the other room; it was fine too. I tried yet another CD off a different spindle and it was the same. I was fucked. I called M in hysterics, I didn't even know where she was or if she was going to help me. It was almost 9pm on a Tuesday and I was alone in a city that loves to hate me, up against some mobsters who had just ripped me off. More than that, much worse than that, all my plans for execution were fucked. Tonight was to be the EP release party. The presence of a great recording for sale at the show was going to bring it's own energy. I would have the disc at Greenbelt. And most importantly, in my mind, the disc would get into some hands in the UK, where I want to get signed, sell out, and follow the dream however it is possible to be played out. Now that was mostly just fucked right up the ass. Excuse my colorful metaphor. But this being the last minute and all, there was no fixing this problem in time. Keeping in mind, dear audience, all two of you I'm sure at this point in this rambling narrative, that this is all on the day of one my most severe attacks of depression ever. M was out somewhere, and she offered to help me out and asked if I wanted her friends to come with. I said, yeah, that might be good. I called the guy I got the CD's from, told him the problem, and we decided to meet right away to talk about it. M came and picked me up and we went to where those friends were hanging out. One friend in particular is this older guy with tons of connections all over the city. He first called the guy I was dealing with...oh first when he heard his name he just shook his head...but anyway it was too late for that...then things got a little out of control... I just wanted some emotional backup, but I got a touch more than that...M's friend called the kind of guys everyone is afraid of, apparently. Already long story short, the 4 of us went up the restaurant with the CD's, I explained to Jr. Gangster Kid the problem, he just shrugged his shoulders and said what do you want, I said a refund, there was some hoo-ing and haw-ing, and then, and this I did not see at all, only heard about it, so it could all be bullshit, I don't even know, -those guys- showed up, just in their car in the parking lot, and within a few seconds I was getting my money back. But it wasn't really about the money, and it was probably an honest mistake, and while M thoroughly enjoyed the power-pull, I could've really cared less. My plan was blown, full stop. I bought the CD sleeves from somebody else, so I now have 280 CD sleaves and no CD's. Today I'm burning copies of the disk to take to GB, to at least give away to people. Funny thing is, I could've probly burnt the 280 in 2 days with my two burners...even with my shit software I could've done a better, faster job by myself, with just some CD labels, than this guy did. When I get back in September, I'll start looking at companies in the States who do CD printing, and it will be the end of the year before I see any CD's that way, but at least I know they'll be OK. CRACKTOWN! I'm going to need some junk just to make it much longer here!... OH and the other news is this whole thing has definately convinced me to just release the tracks on the web...just can't figure out where and how...I think that would soak my bandwidth limits here...I'm thinking some friends in the States could get it on the P2P nets pretty quick... See you in a few weeks...unless I see you in person sooner...81Minutiadaniel2003-08-14T11:09:49+00:00publishciao for nowNot something I normally blog, but I have to disappear for a while. I don't really want to leave ya'll hangin' on how the gigs go, but I don't orchestrate these timings, unfortunately. I've had this impending sense of doom since <s>about the second week after</s> before we moved here, actually, and last night it went from being just a dark cloud overhead to me feeling the first raindrops. I'll try to get the paypal links for the record up eventually, but if I don't, forgive me, maybe it'll leak on P2P. also never fixed this site. the spirit of tech has seemed to have left me. not good. {also sorry for not finishing my "art of the summer..." series, but suffice it to say: donnie darko, donnie darko, donnie darko} fuck the money, fuck me, fuck it all! woot! lithium can be sent to the address above.79Minutiadaniel2003-08-13T08:02:00+00:00publishjust a thoughtThey say suicide is a cowardiced thing to do, but I don't think so; I think that those without the courage to drown their cursed hearts sentence their minds to lunicy in its attempts to make sense of a world not made for them. The <a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=jeff+buckley">lucky</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=rich+mullins">ones</a> are taken.80Minutiadaniel2003-08-13T08:00:29+00:00publishtheyblinked<blockquote>as we settle into this new-old economy we again find ourselves overeducated, bored and working in the service industry. the next few years should be interesting.</blockquote>78Quotabledaniel2003-08-13T07:48:23+00:00publishI never...<blockquote>I never want to say my best days are behind me.</blockquote> --<a href="http://www.jadetree.com/">new end original</a>, <a href="http://www.onelinedrawing.com/">jonah</a> to be precise, in the tune "Lukewarm". {aside: yes, I have determined that every fucking band website must be Flash-based. Not just use flash elements, no, entirely in flash. <a href="http://gimmegimmes.com/">Me First and the Gimme Gimmies</a> has to be one of the coolest band names I've ever heard, but I can't find anything out about them, except that they are wearing shriner caps on their entry page (not a good sign, btw, just listen to "American Dream Town" once you get ahold of the EP).} Oh, Scott, if you could hear how we are doing this song now, it's totally crazy. Verses in country style, choruses in the original punk style, and the bridge in reggae, back into the final choruses in I kid you not true punk ass style screaming like crazy.77Minutiadaniel2003-08-12T22:27:06+00:00publishSome Girls Are More Amenable To Committing Suicide Than Others Day!<blockquote>Some Girls Are More Amenable To Committing Suicide Than Others Day! You really really really want your girlfriend to kill herself. You've had the big day for your own suicide circled on your calendar for six months now. All that time, all you had to do is look up at that circle around September 20th, 2003, and think "Few more weeks and good bye to my heartache and misery and always having to pee at movies."! But then you went and fell in love and grew conflicted. You still want to die, no question. But this chick, she's way fucking hot and when she speaks it's like she's reading the story written on your soul and shit. When it comes down to it, you don't want to be without her. If you kill yourself and she keeps on living, she'll probably start seeing someone else and you can't handle that. But suicide is your lifelong dream. You can't stay alive just because someone else wants to. Follow. Your. Bliss.! What has to happen is you just have to come right out and ask her if she wants to kill herself with you. A lot of girls are into things you never would have guessed they'd be into. Approach the question with some caution, and if she says yes, don't act like she's some kind of a slut all of a sudden. But if she says no, take the circle off the calendar. No one who's in love ever kills himself unless he's in love with someone who doesn't love him back, or his parents are dicks about it. If she says no, you're just going to have to wait until you don't love her anymore 11 months from now.</blockquote> --<a href="http://www.girlsarepretty.com/2003_08_01_girlsarepretty_archive.html#106069146468644306">girls r pretty</a>76Elsewheredaniel2003-08-12T22:16:29+00:00publishthe art of the summer that has saved me pt 4<img src="http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/covers/0-375-41326-X.gif" /> <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0375718850/qid=1060590902/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_1/103-9959971-0009459">Ethan Hawke's Ash Wednesday</a>... I'll add the historical links to my prior entries about this book once I've fixed my site... It was a very good book, and very timely for me. It started a bit slow, was a little heavy-handed at times, and not much happened, but it was still good: good characters with real thoughts, conversations, and arguments; good, funky, real situations; and good, real commentary that came through the dialog--in fact, dialog was king in this novel, some of the best dialog I've ever read, and I guess you could expect that from an actor/author. I already liked and respected Ethan Hawke, he is kind of one of the defining actors of my generation, two of his movies (Gattaca and Great Expectations) are two of my favs, but now I am really intrigued by this artist. I read this book almost as fast as I read a Palahniuk novel, and that's saying a whole lot, because for me so far no one has come close to even touching Palahniuk. <a href="http://www.bloomsburymagazine.com/images/ezine/ethannew2.jpg">back cover photo. too hip</a>. See also: <a href="http://www.powells.com/authors/hawke.html">powells.com interview w/ Ethan Hawke</a>: <blockquote>Dave: Your novels certainly aren't religious novels by any means, but in each one people are struggling with some pretty big questions, particularly in Ash Wednesday. Hawke: I've noticed that schism too. You might go read the Dhammapada or Thomas Merton, some kind of religious text, but the only people talking about religion are religious gurus. Then there's the rest of our life, all the stuff we're really interested in: having sex, music, going to coffee shops, going to the movies, whatever it is that people are doing. We compartmentalize our lives. If something really bad happens, for a window of time you really start asking the big questions. Then you get caught up in your daily life again. But I really believe that people think about this kind of stuff. There's a line that Jimmy has in the first chapter: "If somebody asks me if I believe in God, I shake my head like I couldn't give a shit, but the truth is, I do. I just don't know what to do about it." That's kind of how I felt for years. I've always believed I was born for a reason, and you were born for a reason, that life has meaning, but I couldn't even begin thinking about what that point might be, why or in what context, in what relation to things. ...If you start talking about religion you feel like you should be smarter than you are. And we've all been so inundated with freaky zealots that it makes us uncomfortable, so as soon as you mention the word God half the people you're talking to drop out; the other half come up with too much information. But I'm interested in it, and it's one of the things I wanted to do with Jimmy's voice, to create this kind of oddball guy who's going to talk to you about religion - but who's not going to know anything about it. I didn't want to do any moralizing and I didn't have an agenda.</blockquote> <a href="http://www.ashwednesday.co.uk/">UK publisher's site for the book</a> <a href="http://www.identitytheory.com/people/birnbaum59.html">identitytheory.com--Ethan Hawke</a>: <blockquote>I don't feel like you can handle criticism in the right way unless you are sure of what you are trying to get across. If you are sure of what you want to get across, then people can tell you how you are succeeding or not. If you are not, you can't start writing the book so that it makes your best friend happy. So that he likes it more.</blockquote> <a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/knopf/authors/hawke/desktopnew.html">Ethan Hawke's Author's Desktop</a> "details the songs he envisioned as the soundtrack to the novel, with links to read the lyrics and reviews of the music and to play and listen to the songs yourself."75Commentdaniel2003-08-11T02:23:39+00:00publishvery frustratedI don't have the Flash plugin, very much on purpose, so in Internet Explorer, every page with a flash element embedded in it causes me to get a pop up dialog box prompting me to download the plugin. There is no "never ask me to download this plugin again" option. If I disable the prompting for such plugins altogether (flash or otherwise), get this, it then gives me a popup info box that informs me that "some elements" of the page "will not display properly." Mozilla and Firebird control for all this and more beautifully, but smash my fonts together so much I can't read them without getting a headache within an hour. Outlook sucks in so many ways I can't even enumerate them. The User Interface designers for Outlook should all become janitors. Outlook Express allows malicious code to be executed from the preview pane, negating what would otherwise be a great feature. To read RSS in my email client, OE, I have to use nntp//rss, but because of the limitations of OE's main hierarchy which is constrained to -by server-, I cannot categorize the feeds. Clever Cactus solves many of these problems by treating RSS and email in the same way and having (i believe) a safe preview pane. But it has a clunky UI, cumbersome config dialogs, and a lack of basic options like font specification. It's in beta, not to mention built by one guy vs. M$'s thousands, so we don't get upset about these things. No one seems to be able to create a decent UI for calendars. No one. No one has actually created a UI that mimicks the old-fashioned date book, with intuitively-placed buttons for additional electronic features like collaboration. Outlook might be 75% there in functionality, but it's as ugly as fuck and somehow it's email features don't even match OE's?! WTF?! You'd think that the calendar, being 1000's of years old, and letters, being 1000's of years old, and email, being 20 or so years old, and the web, being 10 or so years old, would have decent applications with decent UI's by now. But no. Let's not even start on operating systems. Windows Explorer still, after all these years, doesn't have an option to only copy newer files from one identically named directory to another. You have to copy everything if you want to update a backup. Windows Commander has had that feature since, like, 1995 or something. I could pick on all of the OS's, too.74Designdaniel2003-08-11T02:06:03+00:00publishsuch a dork/utopia/the recordI'm suck a dork: I just noticed after at least a month that my email signature had "integrationresearch.com" instead of <a href="http://www.integrationresearch.org">integrationresearch.org</a>. Jeesh. I was attempting to read <a href="http://www.v-2.org/displayArticle.php?article_num=491">this article at v-2</a> when I realized what my creative/informational utopia on the web is, and of course SWIM is the enactment of that utopia. <a href="http://www.v-2.org">v-2.org</a> is a really fantastic place in both interface design, informational design, and content. That is what I want for all the most brilliant people I know, but right now the tools out there only really work for writers, and then only within the blogging paradigm. I want a system for the production and consumption of digital creative content that is as easy, intuitive and helpful as blogging is for online journal writers. That's the endpoint for SWIM. I want to wake up in the morning, dial-up (unless I somehow end up back in the West), and be able to instantly download all the new content from my cadre of creatives all over the world. Then I'll disconnect, consume, be inspired. Doesn't matter if I then have to go to work for 8-10, or get to immediately turn around and create/contribute to the community, that stuff will inform my existance, my creative unfolding as a human being sharing this planet with the rest of you. Period. I will be a more spiritual being and it won't matter for the networks or the publishing conglomerates or the big record labels or hollywood. And eventually, eventually, it might all sustain itself. I remember when I was a kid I'd play role-playing games. I was always interested in creating this amazing team of characters, each with different abilities. I was also a big fan of the A-team. I feel like I exist within a very cool create-o-sphere that includes <a href="http://theyblinked.com/blog">a philosopher-theologin</a>, an <a href="http://islandwatersports.com/skate-index.cfm">alt-culture film-maker</a>, a <a href="http://monkhouse.blogspot.com">graphic-medium story-writer</a>, a <a href="http://benbubar.blogspot.com">graphic artist</a>, an <a href="http://smallritual.org/">architect/archiver</a>, <a href="http://jasonbrome.com">technologist</a>s, <a href="http://christianpornmachine.com">musician</a>s, <a href="http://chuckpalahniuk.net">writer</a>s, etc. etc. I don't know what I am. Maybe I'm Hannibal. That was his name, right? On a different note, I've been trying to explain the musical style of the Americana EP, and I've been using Tom Petty for comparison. I realized Train might be a more modern comparison. Somewhere in between those two. And while I like to think there is little-to-no triteness on the record, there are also no love songs. I promise, should a full-length be in my future, there will be love songs on it.72Minutiadaniel2003-08-10T21:50:32+00:00publishAdult illiteracy is...<blockquote>Adult illiteracy is a trying thing, especially being an educated person. Just one of the pitfalls of living abroad I suppose.</blockquote> --<a href="http://hunkabutta.com">hunkabutta</a>71Quotabledaniel2003-08-10T21:21:49+00:00publishThe Single Bitter Announcement Weblog<a href="http://merlin.blogs.com/bitterblog/">The Single Bitter Announcement Weblog</a>70Elsewheredaniel2003-08-10T20:21:46+00:00publishu2 log<a href="http://www.u2log.com/">u2log.com</a> (via <a href="http://ellensjourney.org/stranger/">ellen</a>)69Elsewheredaniel2003-08-10T20:05:40+00:00publishI know...<blockquote>Random twenty-something male on cell phone: "I know you want to hook up with me and we both know she wants to hook up with me, so..."</blockquote> --<a href="http://nando1119.blogspot.com/2003_07_27_nando1119_archive.html#105960847588666928">random</a>68Quotabledaniel2003-08-10T19:59:49+00:00publishstill temp outagetemp outage is turning into long term outage as i fuck around with my code...but yesterday i had a major accident and i just now got my site back, so to speak. i would tell the whole story but suffice it to say i had to re-create a fair amount of my site locally.67Minutiadaniel2003-08-09T12:44:09+00:00publishplease chill outthank you.66Minutiadaniel2003-08-09T12:31:26+00:00publishblogpulse?<a href="http://www.blogpulse.com/">blogpulse.com</a> all the blogging things just make me feel like there are all these batters swinging wildly at every ball, but none of them see that the pitcher hasn't thrown a fast ball down the center yet. the fast ball, for those who don't know me yet, is the Semantic Web. but then it all just keeps me motivated to keep muddling around with SWIM.65Elsewheredaniel2003-08-08T09:28:23+00:00publishspace, etc.<blockquote>public space must be intended. there are few grand fountains in the cities of the United States. there are fewer significant rapid transit systems that connect with great causeways and squares enabling bicycle and foot traffic to easily pass through the cities we inhabit. the United States has cities that retain the frontier sensibilities of her distant past in a landscape of isolated domiciles and autonomous systems of travel. we are a closed system people. we use the great rivers of automobile traffic to move from our walled homes to our giant malls; from our enclosed church campus to our 30 screen cinema surrounded by acres of parking lot. in many significant ways we have not intended public space in our city planning, our individual transportation decisions, our commercial deliberations and our organizational spending. we have few places of passage as a people. our communities are centred on disparate destinations connected over long distances by transportation networks that shuttle us from place to place in the wheeled, climate controlled sterility of our homes. our cars have become an extension of our suburban outpost that accompany us as we navigate our bodies to events in buildings that, more often than not, have no organic connection to where we live and are filled with people who are our displaced neighbors--social connections whose only shared geography is that of third party assembly locations.</blockquote> --<a href="http://www.theyblinked.com/blog/2003_08_03_theyblinked_archive.html#106028478987547225">theyblinked</a>. <blockquote>what if a movement was afoot that privileged announcement over planting; public enactment over private buildings; human connections over warehoused converts; local nuance over packaged purpose; creativity over Quality; sustainability over marketability; dieing together over living alone?</blockquote> --<a href="http://www.theyblinked.com/blog/2003_08_03_theyblinked_archive.html#106023735155991191">indeed</a>64Quotabledaniel2003-08-08T09:17:55+00:00publishPassionate Defense of the "F" Word<a href="http://www.utne.com/webwatch/2003_91/news/10728-1.html">Passionate Defense of the "F" Word</a> (thanks dan)63Elsewheredaniel2003-08-08T08:43:13+00:00publishrecent blogs of noteAfter this entry, you'll think, "Finally, he's not just linking to <a href="http://theyblinked.com/blog">Dan Hughes</a>!" <a href="http://miniette.blogspot.com/">miniette.blogspot.com</a> has a perfect mix of minutia, links, and pics, and reads the same blogs I do...and besides, <a href="http://miniette.blogspot.com/2003_07_01_miniette_archive.html#105962513235782068">calling someone a "celebrity" is very, very endearing, let me tell you</a>. <a href="http://miniette.blogspot.com/2003_07_01_miniette_archive.html#105959189222254045">So is mentioning my record</a>. :) <a href="http://www.defectiveyeti.com/">defectiveyeti.com</a> tells good stories <a href="http://www.defectiveyeti.com/archives/000714.html">like the last one</a>, gives good book review, also movies, and <a href="http://www.defectiveyeti.com/archives/000711.html">makes funny shit up sometimes</a> i think. <a href="http://www.girlsarepretty.com/">girlsarepretty.com</a>: Come to this blog, every single day, and you will be told what to do. Those last two sent by really cool guy and future rock star Aaron Cunningham of the DC-ish area.62Elsewheredaniel2003-08-06T15:03:54+00:00publish...not like born again or anything...?<blockquote>"You're not like born again or anything, are you?" she asked me earnestly. I thought for a moment. "Well, not really. It's just beautiful, don't you think?" "I think it's--I don't know, it scares me," she said gently, moving her knees slightly back and forth in the bathwater, the ripples sending the soapy water highup the sides of the thin plastic tub. She sat up, her breasts hanging drenched and heavy on her chest. "That kind of language," she continued softly, "always makes me think that maybe in another lifetime I was burned at the stake." She splashed her face with water. "That stuff gives me the creeps. "...Talking about God just seems so pointless." There was a pause as she figured out what she meant. "It's like drilling a well right by a river, you know? The water's already there; you don't have to dig for it. Whatever is good or valuable about religion is always around us. You don't have to go to church for it. To be honest, churches give me the willies. Whenever I go inside one, I feel like the whole place is pleading to some outside force, you know? Like God or whatever is outside of us, withholding the goods. I don't really buy that idea--that someone up on a hill is doling out favors, but only if we ask in a really really nice way. I don't buy it, do you?" ...Amazing, I thought, how instantly I could feel I didn't know Christy at all, and how little I felt she knew me. There is this place deep inside where I feel I am connected to everything, not just trees and grass and dogs but buildings and stairways, rocks and sidewalks. It's a deathly quiet place that I guess I've never shared with anyone and probably couldn't, a place that is cold sober when my body is stumbling drunk, another consciousness that sits still like an antenna in tune with some other part of the galaxy. It was this part of me that I wanted to bring to our wedding, a centered space from which I could send out my oaths. I imagined that this secret antenna was my connection to whatever eternity might be and was the part of me that Christy alone perceived and loved. But in the dark of the motel room, I realized that whether I was married or not, no one would ever know all of me; my truest self would always be estranged and alone. I was incapable of expressing my limited screwball faith and I knew that, even if I could, I'd box it in so dramatically it would be trivialized. I began to feel the familiar swell of numbing anger.</blockquote> --from Ethan Hawke's Ash Wednesday 61Quotabledaniel2003-08-06T12:37:11+00:00publishgerman child in slovakia<img src="images/may_2003/sk_child.jpg" />60Imaginingdaniel2003-08-06T11:56:23+00:00publishthe art of the summer that has saved me pt 3I hope you realize these are in completely random order. Tito & Tarantula concert, Sarajevo, July 2003. Not much to say besides: see this band live at all costs. To say it was the most rocking concert I've been to all year would be accurate; and those 2 hours were like being back in the States for a short, beautiful, artistic moment in time. <img src="images/july_2003/sarajevo/tito1.jpg" /> Is it mandatory for all band websites to be entirely Flash-based or something? Screw it, then.59Commentdaniel2003-08-06T11:41:10+00:00publishcooper on {websites}<blockquote>A lot of people have wondered why I have never taken the site to the "next level" (have no idea what that means) but the answer is that the site is at the same level where I am at. I have no visions for {insert your URL here} and probably never will have. The site will hopefully always muddle though life as my shadow.</blockquote> <a href="http://www.jordoncooper.sk.ca/2003_08_01_archives.html#106007077541287085">jordoncooper.com</a> as an aside: also on jddc: <a href="http://www.jordoncooper.sk.ca/2003_08_01_archives.html#106010595749559623">Humping is quick</a>. ...Speak for yourself! aside 2: that the "coolest" <a href="http://www.jordoncooper.sk.ca/2003_08_01_archives.html#106011755311609841">xian book uses the word "zany"</a> says just so, so much.58Quotabledaniel2003-08-06T10:12:06+00:00publishpowazek on music sharingOn my EP cover, the second to last words are: <blockquote>Stealing is bad. Sharing is good.</blockquote> The implied next part of that is "...you figure out which is which." <a href="http://www.powazek.com/2003/07/000143.html">Well, if you want an opinion close to my own, Powazek does a pretty good job of describing it in a small space here</a>.57Elsewheredaniel2003-08-06T09:57:32+00:00publishi know i can't be the only whatever i am<blockquote>i know i can't be the only whatever i am in the room so why am i so lonely? why am i so tired? i need company i need backup i need to be inspired</blockquote> ~Ani DiFranco via theyblinked56Quotabledaniel2003-08-06T09:47:52+00:00publishlove hate relationshipI like that people here are passionate and actually have an opinion; I hate that conversations are mostly arguments. I like that the roads are interesting to drive; I hate that it takes hours to go anywhere. I like that I can't get a speeding ticket; I hate that whenever I am a passenger I must make full use of the ohshit handle. I like that sexuality is more out in the open; I hate that I have to stop being surprised every time I find out about a married person having something going on the side. I like having a bite of meat now and again, knowing it wasn't raised in a pen on steroids; I hate not being a pescatarian anymore. I like having the freedom to abuse alcohol and cigarettes; I hate being a drunk chain smoker. I like that M finally feels at home and actualized; I hate being alone. I like hearing different languages; I hate never understanding a thing. I like experiencing different cultures; I hate never finding jokes funny. ... <blockquote>"You're not like born again or anything, are you?" she asked me earnestly. I thought for a moment. "Well, not really. It's just beautiful, don't you think?"</blockquote> --page 143 in Ash Wednesday55Minutiadaniel2003-08-05T22:32:20+00:00publishtemp outageOnly the homepage and the RSS feed are going to be avail. for a bit (day?), as my index.php code is behaving badly and I have to do something about it, and in the meantime I'm going to do the right thing and remove it from the server.53Designdaniel2003-08-04T20:16:25+00:00publishsmall ritualI have a new ritual since we finished recording and I ran out of the Starbucks Scott sent me and the Starbucks I bought in London {in case you didn't know, one thing they don't have here is drip coffee; but it's just as well, it's time to give that shit up}. There is this cafe a few blocks down on my street that has the best espresso, the best interior design, and the best music playing--as far as I can tell, 100% french chillout {today for the first time I heard Gotan Project, the only one I've recognized so far}. I get up in the morning, usually an hour or two after M {I consider this my payment for taking care of her tired body after work and besides, I do it because I can}. I have an orange juice, cereal, check the email, maybe update the blog, get my bearings. After SS&S, I head out. I order my version of a Bosnian classic, kafe kola {a strong Bosnian espresso and a Coke}, a machiato (sp?) and cola. This place makes one of the few good machiatos in town. Then I have my drinks with a few fags {Aura--what was Sarajevo Marlboro} and read. I realized that this is the only way I'm going to get through my backlog of books. I don't read for long, maybe a half hour. Maybe I space out, maybe I take some pics, usually I SMS someone about something. But it is good to just say fuckit to everything and "get fed" {as some people love to say}. <blockquote>Looking around the bus, I notice there were a lot of old people. I always imagine old people are Ku Klux Klan or former Nazi officers or else just really really nice--like they make dinner for disabled people all the time and sit around praying and counting pennies, making up for the sin and meanness in the world. I think both these things simultaneously. Each young man is either a rapist in waiting or my future husband. Maybe everyone sees the world like that: Everything's true, all the time... "Well, I'm not the same person I was yesterday, so how could you know me? How could I know you? I'm trying still to figure out who I was ten years ago." I understood and had come to terms with the fact that our destiny was to break each other's hearts, to destroy each other. Making love was only delay. Wearing his ring was only delay. Jimmy's great problem was that he wanted to be liked so badly--by me, by anyone--that he couldn't hear his own mind. This deafness made him unpredictable. You never knew when his own voice would find him...But we could make love... "Creation didn't happen. It's happening. Grace will come as you acknowledge how much of every instant is beyond your control." Gordon's voice moved inside me like a reed instrument. "That is freedom. People in this country believe freedom is the ability to choose--I choose a Cadillac over a Buick; I am a Cadillac man; our only avenue toward more choice is more money--but choice and money are not freedom." He adjusted his sunglasses and raised his head. "There is a right kind of dissatisfaction. There's a void within us that cannot be filled. This void is our need for God. You must search for and stay with that longing."</blockquote> --taken out of context from a very well-formed early chapter of Ethan Hawke's Ash Wednesday. Today the Gift was a sense of place. Today Fate, as I have and for some time will refer to He/She/It, showed me that it's is still around. In control? Maybe. At least where his interests are concerned. And maybe She's still interested in certain parts of me. I am still trying to figure out who I was 10 years ago, but I know some things: I wasn't ready to put out a record 10 years ago, I wasn't ready to represent my soul artistically 10 years ago. And now, for example, I'm still not ready to write my book. I'm ready to release my EP. I'm not ready to change the world. But I'm ready to talk to you for a while.52Minutiadaniel2003-08-04T14:32:15+00:00publishthe art of the summer that has saved me pt 2<a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00008OX4R/qid=1059985887/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_1/103-9959971-0009459"><img src="http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B00008OX4R.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg" border="5" align="left" style="border-color:#fff;" />The Cardigans: Long Gone Before Midnight</a> oi! it's an import in the States! The fact that the Cardigans had one hit in the States back when I was in college, so let's say 1996, and then did not appear again on the pop radar Stateside probly has to do with the fact that that one hit was the only tune sweet enough for an artistically brainwashed American public (addicted to junkfood) from a band making authentic rock music. Well, at least on this record they are. :) My reindroduction to the Cardigans came through, again, the pop channels...quite literally, one of the music video channels we get and I am lothe to occasion with my attention: either one of the 4 German, 1 French, 2 Italian, or 1 Polish stations. I thought to myself, Hey, who are these people, despite the kind-of goth-disco thing going on with this video, I really like this song--strong hook and some interesting chord changes in the verses. Come to find out it was the Cardigans' new single, You're the Storm. So I was in London, and <a href="http://www.flickerweb.co.uk/">Adam</a> just happened to have a copy of the new record, and, sorry Cardigans I ripped you off. But I figure there's a format change in our near future and I'll have to buy it then in some special new acronymal format the world can't live without. Besides this way I can stock up on your back catalog. So the first thing about the album are the hooks. The hooks do their job. You keep listening. You get hooked. Then the production starts to get noticed. Please please please can I have that drum sound? Of course the voice. The voice that seduces you in about 3 seconds... Then the lyrics. It may be that they are around the same age as me, maybe have had some of the same experiences, are coming from the same worldview. Dunno. But there are good ones in there; I'll share just a few. <blockquote>For twenty seven years I've been trying To believe and confide in Different people I found... Some of them got closer than others, And some wouldn't even bother, And then you came around. I didn't really know what to call you, You didn't know me at all, But I was happy to explain. I never really knew how I'd move you, So I tried to intrude through The little holes in your veins. And I saw you. But that's not an invitation, That's all I get, If this is communication, I disconnect... I've seen you, I know you, But I don't know how to connect, So I disconnect... You always seem to know where to find me, And I'm still here behind you, In the corner of your eye. I never really learnt how to love you, But I know that I love you, Through the hole in the sky</blockquote> --from Communication <blockquote>I'm an angel bored liked hell and you're a devil meaning well You steal my lines and you strike me down Come raise your flag upon me And if you want me I'm your country If you win me I'm forever 'Cos you're the storm that I believed in and all this peace has been deceiving I like the sweet life and the silence But it's the storm that I believe in Come and conquer and drop your bombs cross my borders and kill the calm Bear your fangs and burn my wings I hear bullets singing...</blockquote> --from the aformentioned single Storm...that very last line is absolutely the lyric I wished I'd written <blockquote>Baby, let's stop and sleep for a spell! We could turn this ditch into a well And send that old devil back to hell, Your back's not straight like before, You really shouldn't carry me no more, I'm much too heavy for you, I'm really quite a mess, Yes, we just don't care anymore, We're crooked and we're cut to the core, We're just not there anymore, But we really don't care, do we? No, we couldn't care less... We couldn't care less... Could we?</blockquote> --from Couldn't Care Less51Commentdaniel2003-08-04T10:05:49+00:00publishprocess<blockquote>everything that is anything is always already in process. none of us have ever known what it is to not be in process nor will we. this is why it is so laborious to listen to someone speak with words strung together in ways that presume something none of us have ever experienced: the claustrophobic stasis of instantaneous anything. it is even more difficult to engage such a person regarding the matter as this makes for such burdensome conversation as they really do believe that should they say something with enough vigor or repeat the jist of an idea one hundred and twelve times in a conversation whatever it is that the conversation is centered on will simply come to pass. we presume that if we declare hostilities over in a war zone that conflict is over. we believe that should we say our name and that we are addicted to something before every group meeting that the pattern of action we call addiction will dematerialize. we believe that should one agree with a list of sentences and say a prayer that hell is escaped and heaven awaits. we believe that implementing free-market capitalism and writing universal suffrage into the constitutions of fledgling nation states will somehow magically transform villagers into democracy-loving federal citizens and the village women into outspoken, blue-jeans wearing local talk show hosts.</blockquote> --<a href="http://www.theyblinked.com/blog/2003_07_27_theyblinked_archive.html#105971293859308725">theyblinked</a> <blockquote>one of the most emotionally taxing transitions felt in the corridors leading away from closed-loop foundationalism is the end of the simple stability that a bipolar outlook allows. such a worldview approaches much of life as team sport; pick a team and fight to win. the functional advantage of such an approach is the rather simple course to determining who is in and who is out of the group you've chosen. when the agents and motives, actions and outcomes that make up what is called reality are clearly sorted for your convenience into hermetically sealed packages labeled for individual sale it becomes more difficult to recover a taste for anything that is not branded by the corporate entities that process, package and distribute your identity. there is a confusion, an inherent instability to a multi-polar outlook. there is something frighteningly real about the multi-civilizational world that forever stands against homogenizing group think.</blockquote> --<a href="http://www.theyblinked.com/blog/2003_07_27_theyblinked_archive.html#105971756399882939">ditto</a> <blockquote>to recognize the unarchivability of the kingdom is to begin to privilege our moment without the contrivance of heritage-grooming. there is a visceral loss played out in all attempts to structure the universal narrative for all people at all times. there is no topical index accessible to our species; no universal taxonomy to reference in our choosing to live.</blockquote> --<a href="http://www.theyblinked.com/blog/2003_07_27_theyblinked_archive.html#105976713668584444">ditto</a>50Quotabledaniel2003-08-04T09:39:21+00:00publishthe art of the summer that has saved me pt 1 (of many)I just finished Seek, by Denis Johnson. I started it on the plane to London and read about half of it then. You can see I've been busy since. This is a recommendation with a disclaimer. At first I didn't like this book; at first I couldn't figure out if the stories contained in it were true or fiction. Eventually I figured out that they were all true; and in the end I enjoyed and connected deeply with this work. But the reason I connected with it was because only through the absurdity of Johnson's experiences could I properly filter the relative sanity of my own absurd experiences here my first three months in Bosnia. In other words, nothing like a little perspective. <blockquote>Everything is arranged doesn't mean you should expect to get anywhere or accomplish anything. In fact, for sanity's sake, those two ideas have to be banished: the idea of getting somewhere and the idea of accomplishing something. Everything is arranged means that all is complete, the great plan of the universe is unfolding before our eyes. So eat, drink, sleep. Everything is arranged.</blockquote> <blockquote>Of course the sins of the U.S. government touch this region as all regions; but I can repudiate those sins effortlessly. There're merely the sins of people with too much power. I'm not one of those. I didn't wreck this place.</blockquote>49Commentdaniel2003-08-01T16:04:35+00:00publishbanal web entertainment<a href="http://www.spasmsmash.com/404.htm">the non-existing 404 page</a> <a href="http://in.news.yahoo.com/030624/43/25eim.html">yahoo news india</a>: "The fully-grown flies, as doctors described the parasites, have been emerging out of Chandan Goswami's genitals and flying off for more than two weeks now." <a href="http://www.sublimedirectory.com/vagina_list.htm"> The most comprehensive vagina nickname list in the world!</a> I could tell you where I found these links, but then I'd have to kill you. 48Elsewheredaniel2003-08-01T01:39:27+00:00publishnew sectionThis is primarily for the benefit of RSS readers: there is a new section on the site for the music stuff, for now static HTML at the top of the home page. ATM it has some graphics for the EP and the shirt, soon I will have links up to buy the stuff, and after that some more info about the band, etc. Direct link the blog is now <a href="http://www.integrationresearch.org/daniel/index.html#blog">integrationresearch.org/daniel/index.html#blog</a> (in case you didn't know danielsjourney.com and inte...org/daniel are the same thing), it's just a bit further down the page is all. All the images are black and white--this is primarily for the look of the page, my real colors are black and tan. The shirts are indeed black and white, however, and the actual disk itself may have to be printed in one color (black), although what I really want can be seen if you click on the disk image on the homepage. You can also get the shirt graphics by clicking on the shirt images--feel free to use them liberally. Also some subtle design changes and bug fixes, including the return of the link to the RSS feed. Can't believe I had neglected that! Thanks <a href="http://jasonbrome.com/blog/">Jason</a> for pointing that out, and to <a href="http://theyblinked.com/blog/">Dan</a> for exposing a bug with the "permalinks." Speaking of links, next thing is to get the archives back up. I didn't realize how much old content was being asked for until I saw my error log--my code looking for files I haven't reformatted and uploaded yet.47Minutiadaniel2003-08-01T00:49:12+00:00publish