- {}<p>just go away.<br />
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why do i love her so much?<br />
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why to i love so much?<br />
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this idealistic love, you know, all it leads to is pain. somedays i think that it is better to just become hard, like the rest of the world. somedays i think that it is better to just be selfish, get your own, fuck the consequences.</p>
<p>then i think that being hard and cold is worse than this pain. i think of jesus. i think of this song i wrote, one of the last songs i wrote, actually, and i think i should keep singing it.</p>
<p><em>Love is a risk every time</em><blockquote>Love is a risk every time<br />
Love is like the perfect rhyme<br />
The perfect word comes along<br />
Next thin ya know yer singin this song</p>
<p>You came along at a perfect stage<br />
The day after I lost that last filthy rage<br />
You ask how I can be fine<br />
It’s cuz love is a risk every time</p>
<p>Take a chance, baby<br />
On romance, baby<br />
Ya won’t gain nuthin’ by waitin’<br />
Life’s too short to waste on hatin’<br />
Ya gotta believe in Love<br />
Ya gotta believe in Love</p>
<p>There’s always a reason to deny<br />
Different people with thoughts that fly<br />
Chaos and destruction all around<br />
But baby you don’t have to make a sound</p>
<p>The heart is a mysterious place<br />
But don’t you love it when it begins to race<br />
Enjoy that time listen to what it has to say<br />
Cuz there’s got to be a better way</blockquote>the person who inspired this song has long since left my life, at least in terms of inspiring love songs. but i'm glad that she at least inspired this kind of idealism, at least for one night. at least long enough to pen these words that remind me of how i should be.</p>
<p>i've been using this blog the last few days to try and sort through these awful feelings i've been feeling, but it hasn't helped. nothing has helped. this pain is not going to go away today. or tomorrow. or next month. but i am experiencing this pain because of the amount that i loved. and i do not regret loving that way.</p>
<p>maybe i will continue to use this space to sort myself out, maybe not, maybe i'll use it for some other purpose. i'm glad i have it, but i don't want to abuse it.</p>
<p>i'm going to skip the rest of the god-my-life-is-ending mix tape i was amassing on this site, and just put up what were to be the last two songs. i personally cannot be as positive as jason mraz, and no doubt he was singing about the end and beginnings of relationships that had not implied life-long commitment...but you know what? i still believe in that, maybe more than ever. it makes fuck-all difference to my situation right now, but at least i can be an idealistic lover in pain. even if i'm nobody's lover.</p>
<p><a href="media/you_and_i_both.mp3">you and i both.mp3</a></p>
<p><a href="media/ill_do_anything.mp3">i'll do anything.mp3</a></p>148Minutiadaniel2003-11-30T02:59:59+00:00publish
- girlsareprettyrocks<blockquote>Wash Your Heart Day!
<p>Soap it up and wring it dry. Get rid of every feeling you've ever had, from love to itchy. When you're done you'll be able to look at someone attractive and think, "I have no emotional precedent to believe that you might tear me into pieces and leave me to spend the next few years wriggling back together like the liquid metal terminator in T2. Come over my house."</p>
<p>Happy Wash Your Heart Day!</blockquote> <a href="http://www.girlsarepretty.com/2003_11_01_girlsarepretty_archive.html#106987457108974528">#</a></p>147Quotabledaniel2003-11-28T23:58:21+00:00publish
- mp3.1<p><a href="media/put_the_blame_on_me.mp3">put the blame on me.mp3</a></p>146Minutiadaniel2003-11-28T23:43:36+00:00publish
- about<strong>age?</strong> <em>for 27 years I've been trying to believe and confide in different people I've found</em> <a href="http://www.alwaysontherun.net/card.htm#l1">#</a><br /><br />
<strong>location?</strong> <em>He's a real nowhere Man, Sitting in his Nowhere Land, Making all his nowhere plans for nobody.</em> <a href="http://www.musicsonglyrics.com/B/Beatles/Beatles%20-%20Nowhere%20Man%20lyrics.htm">#</a><br /><br />
<strong>status?</strong> <em>Go make your next choice be your best choice And if you're looking for a boy with a voice, well baby I'm single</em> <a href="http://www.jasonmraz.com/Lyrics/IllDoAnything.html">#</a><br /><br />
<strong>occupation?</strong> <em>i'm just a curbside prophet with my hand in my pocket and i'm waiting for my rocket to come</em> <a href="http://www.lyricsondemand.com/j/jasonmrazlyrics/curbsideprophetlyrics.html">#</a><br /><br />
<strong>interests?</strong> <em>'Cause I'm a picker, I'm a grinner I'm a lover and I'm a sinner I play my music in the sun I'm a joker, I'm a smoker I'm a midnight toker I sure don't want to hurt no one</em> <a href="http://users.cis.net/sammy/joker.htm">#</a><br /><br />
<strong>eats?</strong> <em>You can say that I'm one curly fry in the box of the regular</em> <a href="http://www.jasonmraz.com/Lyrics/TooMuchFood.html">#</a><br /><br />
<strong>noeats?</strong> <em>Do I make myself clear? Keep your hands off my rear!</em> <a href="http://www.peta.org/feat/cowcow/">#</a><br /><br />
<strong>faith?</strong> <em>You need questions Forget about the answers Do you really wanna die this way?</em> <a href="http://overtherhine.com/music/recordings/cd11/cd11b.html">#</a><br /><br />
<strong>makeup?</strong> <em>You were 80% angel 10% demon The rest was hard to explain</em> <a href="http://overtherhine.com/music/recordings/cd11/cd11b.html">#</a><br /><br />
<strong>clinical?</strong> <em>Take all your pills and divide them By colour & size Take all your problems and advise them That everything's fine</em> <a href="http://www.ruinyourlife.com/ThePage.htm?OUR%20LADY%20PEACE%20-%20Consequence%20of%20Laughing.htm~textwindow">#</a><br /><br />
<strong>habits?</strong> <em>Last cigarettes Are all you can get Turning your orbit around</em> <a href="http://www.lyricsfreak.com/w/wilco/146860.html">#</a><br /><br />
<strong>preference?</strong> <em>I like big butts and I can not lie</em> <a href="http://www.lyricsstyle.com/s/sirmixalot/babygotback.html">#</a><br /><br />
<strong>death?</strong> <em>I must have died alone A long, long time ago</em> <a href="http://www.musicsonglyrics.com/N/Nirvana/Nirvana%20-%20The%20Man%20Who%20Sold%20The%20World%20lyrics.htm">#</a><br /><br />
<strong>god?</strong> <em>I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours But I think that God's got a sick sense of humor And when I die I expect to find Him laughing</em> <a href="http://www.ruinyourlife.com/DEPECHE%20MODE%20-%20Blasphemous%20Rumours.htm">#</a>142Aboutdaniel2003-11-28T18:34:35+00:00publish
- zen stories to tell your neighbors<p><a href="http://www.rider.edu/~suler/zenstory/zenstory.html">zen stories to tell your neighbors</a> via <a href="http://diveintomark.org/archives/2003/11/28/no-use">dive into mark</a></p>141Elsewheredaniel2003-11-28T15:42:31+00:00publish
- no really jee shush<p>Thanksgiving afternoon, and <a href="http://www.guitarlizard.com/jeromy/personal/tryptophan.htm">drug abuse</a> is rampant all across the USA.</p>
<p>In my case, it is a <a href="http://www.emedicine.com/emerg/topic38.htm">different drug</a> that has robbed my brain. Cat. Can't wait to get off this stuff.</p>140Minutiadaniel2003-11-27T23:09:16+00:00publish
- no really time to stop<p><a href="http://www.politicalcompass.org/">politicalcompass.org</a>.</p>
<p><a href="images/politicalcompass.png">my political compass</a>. I'm happy to be sharing a quadrant with Ghandi and Nelson Mandella.</p>
<p>If you want to know more, best thing is to just take the test at the link above.</p>
<p>If you do take it, and I know/know of you, blog about it or send me your compass.</p>139Elsewheredaniel2003-11-27T22:47:37+00:00publish
- blogging a lot eh<p><a href="http://www.thinkblank.com/santa2003/">secret santa 03</a>.</p>138Elsewheredaniel2003-11-27T22:25:18+00:00publish
- i have fear<blockquote>i have learned my {}'s lies well. <em>if you will tell, you will die. no one will ever love you. no one will ever believe you.</em> they echo in me when i sit, late at night, with my computer.
<p>every word that i type, every letter, is a screw you in my {}'s face. every word that i type, every letter, is reclaiming a part of myself, a part that {} took, that the church took, a part of me that had broken off and hidden itself in fear.</p>
<p>i choose to take those things back, those parts of me, that brokenness. i choose to hold onto it, though it may slice my hands, in the hopes that i can embrace my wounds, my sorrow.</p>
<p>i want to believe that writing...is freedom, for me, for others who have been abused, who feel shamed, who feel isolated. i want to believe that i can find some sense of healing through this, through telling, through risking, through offering my experiences, my struggles, my doubts.</p>
<p>i feel so alone, though. i feel worthless. i feel stupid. i feel like i am going to be mocked, humiliated, exposed.</p>
<p>those things my {} said echo repeatedly in me, and though every letter is a direct rebuke to those things, they are still there.</p>
<p>i don't know how to make them go away.</blockquote><a href="http://www.ianua.org/comments.php?id=163_0_1_0_C">ianua.org</a></p>137Elsewheredaniel2003-11-27T22:15:28+00:00publish
- mp3.0<p><a href="media/the_kings_arms.mp3">the kings arms.mp3</a> by <a href="http://www.thedfgcorporation.co.uk/main.htm">the dfg corporation</a>.</p>136Minutiadaniel2003-11-27T19:05:11+00:00publish
- mmm<p>I'm coming in live from the Hughes' back porch, enjoying the beautiful Austin weather, and three deer are walking around in the back yard. <a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=define:WiFi">Yessiree</a>.</p>
<p>Happy Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>My godmother wrote me the most beautiful response to my situation, in light of the current holiday, and their lives, which have been infused with both suffering and beauty:<blockquote>As we approach the one true American holiday (which is being gobbled up by Santa and gift receiving!), it's hard for you we know to feel especially thankful. You know deep in your heart and mind the love, salvation, and enduring commitment of God though Jesus Christ and the ongoing comfort and guidance of the Holy Spirit that permeate your being. So, in the midst of your present cobwebby state, we will not preach platitudes of piety.</p>
<p>However, this is a glorious time of year: riotous color; constantly changeable weather; impending cold, ice and snow in a vast country that holds the promise of your future. You are 27 with much of life (God-willing) ahead of you. Perhaps you are enduring the worst of your life's pain at this early age... If so, give thanks that you have resilience and (ancient feeling) youth. If you are where you can, walk -- not with your head down but looking around at this world we inhabit -- do so especially Thursday. If you can still your mind long enough and gain quietness for a time, reread I Peter 1.</p>
<p>You are loved by many, haunted by one who's a part of your being. This cleaving separation -- apart from any {} -- causes a cleaving feeling in your heart and sprit. Prayer, prayer and more talking to/with God then LISTENING to God, and frequent contact with those who also pray and love God, will eventually sort this mess out. Jesus has already paid the price for all our sins. When we are sinned against, we need pray only that our splinter of His cross will allow us to tap into the peace and forgiveness Jesus has promised.</p>
<p>Daniel, we're heavy into reliance on and relationship with our triune God, the LORD, because this is the only way we know to live. Too much of our lives has been unendurable otherwise.</p>
<p>The LORD loves you. We love you.</p>
<p>Praying rather constantly for you and all involved.</blockquote>1 Peter 1, 10-12:<blockquote>Concerning this salvation, the prophets, who spoke of the grace that was to come to you, searched intently and with the greatest care, trying to find out the time and circumstances to which the Spirit of Christ in them was pointing when he predicted the sufferings of Christ and the glories that would follow. It was revealed to them that they were not serving themselves but you, when they spoke of the things that have now been told you by those who have preached the gospel to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven. Even angels long to look into these things.</blockquote>1 Peter 1, 17-25:<blockquote>Since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear. For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake. Through him you believe in God, who raised him from the dead and glorified him, and so your faith and hope are in God.</p>
<p>Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For,<blockquote>All men are like grass,<br />
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;<br />
the grass withers and the flowers fall,<br />
but the word of the Lord stands forever.*</blockquote></blockquote>*From Isaiah 40, 6-8, which begins:<blockquote>A voice says, "Cry out."<br />
And I said, "What shall I cry?"</blockquote></p>135Minutiadaniel2003-11-27T17:59:57+00:00publish
- grr<p>I arrived in Dallas on the anniversary of JFK's assassination. Can someone please assassinate me? Just kidding. I have learned that you don't have to be dead to lose your life.</p>
<p>It's funny how being blamed for someone else's sin against you can make you feel so rotten for so long. Makes you feel like Jesus, but my messianic complex doesn't go that far.</p>
<p>It's nice that when you are having a rotten day, the gift of a turkey and cheese sandwich and hot chocolate from a kind person can really become light.</p>
<p>Right now, I am listening to children laugh loudly as they play innocently with their grandfather.</p>
<p>Over the course of the next few days, I am going to be posting semi-low-quality mp3 files of various songs. Very illegal, very bandwidth-prejudice. Each tune will stay on the server for a few days.</p>134Minutiadaniel2003-11-26T22:42:42+00:00publish
- thatbrokengirlrocks<blockquote>everything sucks except i have a whole poundcake on the top shelf of the fridge</blockquote><a href="http://www.thatbrokengirl.com/">#</a>133Quotabledaniel2003-11-26T06:40:49+00:00publish
- paul ford on money<p><a href="http://www.npr.org/features/feature.php?wfId=1520164">listen</a> and <a href="http://www.ftrain.com/MoneyMediumTwo.html">read</a> along.</p>132Elsewheredaniel2003-11-26T06:28:15+00:00publish
- these statements accurately describe Bush's presidency:<p> * I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president, since the advent of TV.</p>
<p> * I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.</p>
<p> * I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any other president in US history.</p>
<p> * I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any other US president in history.</p>
<p> * I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during time of war.</p>
<p> * I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.</p>
<p> * All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been taken to my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.</p>
<p> * I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.</p>
<p> * Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (The poorest multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.)</p>
<p> * I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history.</p>
<p> * I am the first president in US history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously struggle against bankruptcy.</p>
<p> * The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).</p>
<p> * I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.</p>
<p> * I am the first president in US history to compel the United Nations to remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.</p>
<p> * I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the Elections Monitoring Board.</p>
<p> * I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant. I withdrew from the World Court of Law.</p>
<p> * I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.</p>
<p> * I took the world's sympathy for the US after 9/11, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world .</p>
<p> * I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.</p>
<p>straight from <a href="http://miniette.blogspot.com/2003_11_23_miniette_archive.html#106974259319181172">miniette</a></p>131Elsewheredaniel2003-11-26T06:13:16+00:00publish
- yet more life after god<blockquote>Being alone here now, all of my old fears are erupting--the fears I thought I had buried forever by getting married: fear of loneliness; fear that being in and out of love too many times itself makes you harder to love; fear that I would never experience real love; fear that someone would fall in love with me, get extremely close, learn everything about me and then pull the plug; fear that love is only important up until a certain point after which everything is negotiable.
<p>For so many years I lived a life of solitude and I thought life was fine. But I knew that unless I explored intimacy and shared intimacy with someone else then life would never progress beyond a certain point. I remember thinking that unless I knew what was going on inside of someone else's head other than my own I was going to explode.</blockquote><blockquote>She says that one of the cruelest things you can do to another person is pretend that you care about them more than you really do. I'm not sure if she means this about me or if she means this about herself. I ask her and she says she doesn't know.</p>
<p>She says: I'm sorry, but I just stopped being in love. It happened. I woke up and it was gone and it scared me and I felt like I was lying and hollow pretending to be "the wife." And I just can't do it anymore. I love you but I'm not in love.</p>
<p>I say: But I still love <em>you</em>.</p>
<p>She says: <em>Do</em> you? <em>Really?</em></p>
<p>I say: Yes.</p>
<p>She says: Then I'm hurting you. Please stop asking me to say these things to you.</blockquote></p>128Quotabledaniel2003-11-25T07:22:20+00:00publish
- hmm<p>If I hadn't posted about 10 days ahead of time my blogging would <a href="http://www.theyblinked.com/blog/2003_11_23_theyblinked_archive.html#106970024361306970">be light</a> as well.</p>
<p>It's good to be really busy with <a href="http://integrationresearch.org">something</a> you're passionate about. Money? Who needs that stuff.</p>
<p>Love we're still looking for. "<a href="http://www.quoteworld.org/author.php?thetext=George+Sand+%281804-76%29">There is only one happiness in life, to love and to be loved</a>."</p>
<p>Thank you <a href="http://directory.google.com/Top/Health/Alternative/Herbs/Materia_Medica/St._John's_Wort/">St. John's Wort</a>. Among <a href="http://www.retailmerchandising.net/tobacco/2002/0210/images/0210in6.JPG">other things</a>. <a href="http://www.hypericumbuyersclub.com/mahoney.html">Interesting</a>. I might vouch for that. Of course it is all just a stopgap for lack of {}.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.mikeriddell.co.nz/">Mike Riddell has a new URL/site</a>.</p>130Minutiadaniel2003-11-24T23:46:34+00:00publish
- more from life after god<blockquote>Sometimes I think the people to feel the saddest for are people who are unable to connect with the profound--people such as my boring brother-in-law, a hearty type so concerned with normality and fitting in that he eliminates any possibility of uniqueness for himself and his own personality. I wonder if some day, when he is older, he will wake up and the deeper part of him will realize that he has never allowed himself to truly exist, and he will cry with regret and shame and grief.
<p>And then sometimes I think the people to feel saddest for are people who once knew what profoundness was, but who lost or became numb to the sensation of wonder--people who closed the doors that lead us into the secret world--or who had the doors closed for them by time and neglect and decisions made in times of weakness.</blockquote></p>127Quotabledaniel2003-11-24T02:14:57+00:00publish
- new author...i mean, from the last n posts<blockquote>I was tired--I shouldn't even have been driving such a long way, really--twelve hours of solid driving north... For the previous month, I had been living out of a suitcase and sleeping on a futon in a friend's den, consuming a diet of Kentucky Fried Chicken and angry recriminating phone calls with You-Know-Who. The nomadic lifestyle had taken its toll. I had been feeling permanently on the cusp of a flu, feeling at that point where I just watned to borrow somebody else's coat--borrow somebody else's life--their aura. I seemed to have lost the ability to create any more aura on my own.</blockquote><blockquote>Time, Baby--so much, so much time left until the end of my life--sometimes I go crazy at how slowly time passes yet how quickly my body ages.
<p>But I shouldn't allow myself to think like this. I have to remind myself that time only frightens me when I think of having to spend it alone. Sometimes I scare myself with how many of my thoughts revolve around making me feel better about sleeping alone in a room.</blockquote>From pg 3 and 18, respectively, of Coupland's <em>Life After God</em>.</p>125Quotabledaniel2003-11-23T03:10:11+00:00publish
- blog runs<p>sory bout the delay...but decided to put them all on the front page anyway...haven't been online since tues...</p>
<p>there has also been some confusion as to where this has all been coming from, they are all from Riddell's <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0829814566/qid=1069523762/sr=1-5/ref=sr_1_5/102-6956662-6445725?v=glance&s=books">Sacred Journey</a>, continuations of <a href="http://127.0.0.1/webdev/integration/daniel/index.php?file=2003_11.xml&id=117">this post</a></p>129Minutiadaniel2003-11-22T17:57:03+00:00publish
- eveeeel....as in the frueeets of the deveeel....<blockquote>...It is in denial that real troubles start. When we begin not only to try to convince others, but also to believe for ourselves that there is nothing bad within us, then we are flirting with real danger. In self-deception genuine evil may gain a foothold, festering in hidden darkness until an opporunity presents itself to erupt in a seething force which sweeps all before it. Strangely enough, many religious systems function in an unhelpful way by forcing the shadow side of human life underground, where it does much more damage than if acknowledged openly. Deception and concealment are the allies of evil, while honesty, humanity and humour are its enemies.
<p>...To preserve ourselves from evil, and to help cleanse it from the world, it is necessary that we become adept at telling the truth. This sounds rather simple, but in reality it is one of the hardest things on earth to achieve...</p>
<p>...To speak the truth is not to become popular. It is to be often misunderstood and sometimes regarded as subversive...But...deceit and lies can never overcome truth, however much damage they may appear to cause in the short term. Ingrained dishonesty and the evil it produces are ultimately self-defeating.</p>
<p>...It is never a good idea to set out on a crusade to vanquish evil, either from ourselves or from society at large. By campaigning against it, we simply draw attention to that which has no life in itself. Far better to make love our goal...</blockquote></p>124Quotabledaniel2003-11-22T00:44:55+00:00publish
- lies...<blockquote><em>Lies, Damned Lies</em>
<p>At the heart of [evil] is the proclivity for deception. The essence of evil is to deceive, distort and confuse. It prospers by imitating that which is good and true, only to invade and colonise it with death.</p>
<p>...evil creates confusion wherever it spreads. Issues which were previously clear become mired in layers of subtlety until no one can be sure what is happening any more. And even when terrible things are being done, it is not at all certain how they occur or who is responsible.</p>
<p>...There is a long distance between wrongdoing and evil, and it is of no help to any of us to make a simple equation between them. We all at times act in bad ways, and the shadow side of our personality can be a healthy part of our complex identity. But in the continuous spectrum between bad and evil, there is some indeterminate region in which a boundary is crossed. Usually it is occasioned by repeated and unrepentant acts of deception. Sustained lying seems to create a vulnerability to a deeper corruption. Psychologists speak of dissociation, a mechanism by which people are able to perform horrendous deeds yet create enough psychic distance for themselves that they fail to feel any guilt or remorse...</blockquote></p>123Quotabledaniel2003-11-21T00:43:14+00:00publish
- and still more...um...pain<blockquote>...Those who suffer learn endurance, because they have no choice. They learn to rise in the morning in pain, and go to their bed in pain. To their own amazement, they discover that it is possible not only to go about the basics of life, but also to do the occasional creative or loving thing while carrying an enormous burden of hurt on their backs. In so doing--in their very perseverance--such wayfarers both attain and recognise a certain dignity of suffering. We are ennobled and made more human through our endurance of pain.
<p>Most importantly, we learn what hope is. Not the cheap and easy hope which dreams of wealth and comfort, but the deep hope which is able to sustain life in appalling circumstances. To continue breathing in the face of insurmountable odds is an affirmation of the enduring value of life itself. Those who have passed through the fire and are able to come out the other side still speaking of love become living emblems of hope. They are able to extend realistic hope to others simply through their presence and the occasional word of encouragement. Their words are made trustworthy because of their qualifications of pain. By their survival and commitment, they give testimony to the goodness of life and the necessary perseverance of the soul in its onward journey.</blockquote></p>122Quotabledaniel2003-11-20T00:39:51+00:00publish
- more pain...<blockquote>The more we love, the more open we become to suffering. In love we are vulnerable...
<p>...Those who suffer greatly are explorers of the continent of grace, not because of any great insight but because their own anguish prevents them from expecting too much from the people around them. The word 'humility' shares a certain affinity with the word 'humus' or 'soil'--in some ways it is a quality that results when all the skyscrapers of our ego have been levelled to the earth.</p>
<p>There is one exception to this path of humiliation and humility. When people refuse to accept suffering, and instead make it a private source of rage and bitterness, then rather than offering kindness and grace they begin to strike out with all the deadly intent of poisonous snakes. Pain is like water; it must be allowed to flow or else it stagnates. To harbour pain and use it to fuel anger is to wreak havoc for the soul which enwombs it, and for everyone around. The progress of a soul in pain is demonstrated by the fruits: bitterness for those who hold onto their suffering in outraged resistance, and humility for those who go with the flow of it and find themselves washed up in new territory.</blockquote></p>121Quotabledaniel2003-11-19T00:38:52+00:00publish
- pain...<blockquote><em>Disappointment and Pain</em>
<p>Suffering is a great mystery, and the encounter with it is an unwelcome but necessary part of our journey. While we need to work ceaselessly to relieve the pain of others, the struggle with our own is not only unavoidable but contains lessons for us which can be learned no other way. It comes upon us in ways we cannot anticipate and would prefer to avoid. ...But the path to growth lies in moving ahead, encountering the fresh winds of pain and allowing them to blow through our lives at the appropriate time. No one ever made spiritual progress without traversing such territory. There are things to be learned in the travel through rugged terrain that can be discovered there alone.</p>
<p>...In episodes of pain we find that all of our pretensions and social conventions, which form part of the mask we present to the world, are stripped away. The energy normally used to convince others that we are reasonable people is diverted to the simple task of survival. The inner chasm swallows any false projections, leaving us exposed. But it is precisely in such times of honesty that the issues and challenges of life are revealed in all their clarity. Suffering people are uncomplicated, with their protective illusions whittled away. Pain is a great purifier. Those who receive its embrace know that they are in raw contact with life and that, however chaotic their inner life, it is essentially true. The luxury of distraction is not available to them. The soul rises to the surface like a silver fish hooked by a wire barb. They have no choice but to be aware of their inner world, so intrusive is it on every other part of their lives.</blockquote></p>120Quotabledaniel2003-11-18T00:37:32+00:00publish
- living...<blockquote><em>Life, Lives, Living</em>
<p>The crucible of life is choice. In each day of our living, we discover the intersection of two powerful forces: that which is, and that which is not yet. And we find ourselves standing plumb in the middle of that crossroads. Through the power of decision-making, we forge that which is not yet into that which is. Here we encounter a fundamental mystery--that even though our lives come to us as gift, we fashion them for ourselves. We make ourselves into the people we are, and along the way we give shape to the world around us. Naturally there are circumstances we have no control over, but even then, the way that we respond to such circumstances determines who we will turn out to be. In making such choices, we are continually and progressively choosing between life and death.</p>
<p>...all of us are on our way towards death, whether we are aware of it or not. By learning how to live conscious of that horizon, we may find it marks an invitation to a life richer than our imaginations can contain.</blockquote></p>119Quotabledaniel2003-11-17T00:35:59+00:00publish
- love...<blockquote>...There is only one source of love sufficient to meet our spiritual hunger, and that is God. Here and here alone do we discover what love is, and how utterly unrestrained it is. It is one thing to acknowledge the possibility of divine love; it is quite another to plunge into those raging torrents for yourself and experience the surging power. No one can encounter it and remain unchanged.
<p>...We know in the depths of our souls that, now we are loved, our lives can never be lost or taken away. And so we find it a source of joy to begin giving up our own lives for the sake of others. In this simple act we discover the meaning of love, in all its joy and pain, and the divine spirit flows through us.</p>
<p>The story is told of how Jesus was taken by the authorities and the religious functionaries and nailed on a cross. As he looked out on them, he saw through the eyes of love and prayed that they might be forgiven, as they didn't understand what they were doing. This is the nature of divine love, that it becomes slightly forgetful and dismissive of all that seeks to deny it, for the sake of finding its way to the broken and twisted souls who have become incapable of knowing it. It is towards love that we are all travelling, and our attempts to resist it or hide from it do little but impoverish our own souls...</blockquote></p>118Quotabledaniel2003-11-16T00:32:17+00:00publish
- how many times can you reannounce stopping blogging when you could just get on with the stopping...or not<p>Well, that break didn't last long, obviously. I want to go out, but not like that.</p>
<p>It's been one week, and I'm beginning to come off of rock-bottom.</p>
<p>It is stupid to keep talking about whether you are going to blog or not, but really, it is an interesting observation of the form itself. We write both for ourselves and others. We share our lives both for ourselves and for others.</p>
<p>I re-read Mike Riddell's <em>Sacred Journey</em> today. Read this book. Listen to Over the Rhine (unless you're as depressed as I am, then wait a bit). Then your life will be complete. Heheh.</p>
<blockquote><em>Rediscovering Love</em>
<p>Love is not in essence a feeling, though it certainly may generate powerful feelings. Rather it is a commitment to the other ahead of ourselves; a willingness to lay down what we might rightfully claim for the sake of another person. This form of devotion unleashes spiritual power unequalled by any other force in the universe. The apostle Paul, who had been a tough-minded religious zealot, was knocked to the ground by such love and left blinded for three days. Later he was to pen one of the finest descriptions of love ever written:<blockquote>Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.</blockquote></p>
<p>Genuine love is magnificent. It weathers storms and bears pain and suffers abuse, and yet remains strong and constant. At the heart of such love lies the quality of forgiveness; the willingness to experience rejection and betrayal, and yet continue to believe the best of the beloved. Nothing can stand in the way of a force such as this...</blockquote></p>
<p>....going to continue this over the next number of days...</p>117Minutiadaniel2003-11-15T00:15:36+00:00publish
- how<p>I had asked her why, but right away i knew the question i meant to ask was how?</p>
<p>Either way i wasn't asking about the {}, i was asking about the lies.</p>
<p>Why is obvious enough, yes, on both counts.</p>
<p>How is the question. </p>
<p>How?</p>116Minutiadaniel2003-11-13T12:52:51+00:00publish
- yeah<p><img src="http://www.gapingvoid.com/syndicate/111103/synd07.jpg" /></p>
<p><img src="http://www.gapingvoid.com/syndicate/111103/synd12.jpg" /></p>115Elsewheredaniel2003-11-13T12:25:58+00:00publish
- goodbye again for now<p>my journey has hit rock bottom, and so i am going to once again take a break from this space.</p>
<div style="margin-top:1000px;">(the last time i only _thought_ the journey had bottomed out, but this time i can be sure).</div>
<div style="margin-top:1000px;">my heart has been beaten and broken. it beats just enough to keep me alive.
<p>my soul is violated. it is a lost man who stumbles into a completely dark room. it trips and waves its arms frantically, looking for something solid.</p>
<p>my mind is stuck in hell's moviehouse. the same film keeps playing over and over, only it gets more and more confusing as time passes.</p>
<p>my body is 30 pounds lighter. but you don't want to go on this diet plan.</p>
<p><font color="white">my organs are cold and shriveled, wondering how many places they have been by proxy.</font></p>
<p>my spirit longs for truth. it remains the same despite the brokenness and despair of my soul. it has learned that the more you are hated, beaten, and spit upon, the easier it becomes to love. it has learned that the more you gain in this world, the more you lose in life. it has learned that the least of these on earth are the greatest in god's eyes. </p>
<p>god bless you. i have heard this phrase uttered to me so many times from such hypocrites that it often makes me chuckle. but i do bless you. i bless you all. those of you who have ever been as low as i am, know that i have the authority to bless you. may all the best come to you.</div></p>
<div style="margin-top:1000px;">
<font color="white">just not in you. heheh.</font></div>
<div style="margin-top:1000px;">goodbye again for now</div>114Minutiadaniel2003-11-11T19:21:50+00:00publish
- that's rich<p><a href="http://www.aboyandhiscomputer.com/churchsigngenerator/"><img src="images/2003_11/churchsign.jpg" width="313" height="232" border="0" /></a></p>
<p>via <a href="http://www.goingjesus.com">goingjesus</a></p>113Elsewheredaniel2003-11-07T19:39:08+00:00publish
- beauty<p>Lately, the cultural events attendence has been fewer and farther between than, say, it has been in the past; but the quality has been batting 1000. Kinda a stage in life, this qualitative over quantitative thing...</p>
<p><img src="http://www.dreamworksrecords.com/wallpaper/ours/precious/cover_thumb.jpg" height="225" width="300" border="2" /><br />
<a href="http://www.dreamworksrecords.com/wallpaper/ours/precious/">wallpaper</a></p>
<p>I'll work backwards. Last night <a href="http://benbubar.blogspot.com/">Ben</a> <a href="http://benbubar.blogspot.com/2003_11_01_benbubar_archive.html#106821822381564170">took me to the</a> <a href="http://www.ours2.net/start.html">Jimmy Gnecco</a> show at the famous <a href="http://www.jambase.com/search.asp?venueID=4537">Culture Room</a>. I must admit to never having heard of Mr. Gnecco, but this is why I love friends like Ben so much.</p>
<p>I realized last night that, yes, as I've said so many times before, I find God in these places. I find God at rock shows in smokey bars with a nice beer buzz going. But if you don't, that's totally cool. I am a little dogmatic about the arts, but everyone has their own way of finding God. The important thing is just that you find Her.</p>
<p>Funny little thing, when we first got to the club, one of the opening acts was playing, and it is a local cat I've known about for years. I almost tried out for his band the first year I was down in SoFla. <a href="http://zachziskin.com/">Zack Ziskin</a>. Check him out. Good stuff. I have "Falling To Pieces" on the headphones right now.</p>
<p>Jesus was tangible in the room last night. Jimmy could easily sing opera, but instead he was using that voice, all its range, to sing his semi gothic modern rock tunes with just his acoustic guitar. Actually, the guitar was almost unnecessary.</p>
<p><img src="images/2003_11/ours_show/jimmy01.jpg" height="225" width="300" border="2" /></p>
<p><img src="images/2003_11/ours_show/jimmy02.jpg" height="225" width="300" border="2" /></p>
<p>Right towards the beginning of the show, Jimmy invited everyone to come sit on stage. Not only from this anti rock gesture, but through his entire being, it was apparent this was a man driven by true love, a belief in humanity despite of <a href="http://www.npr.org/rundowns/segment.php?wfId=1496259" title="what i'm pointing out starts at minute 3:30">everything that's fucked up in the world</a>.</p>
<p><br />
<img src="http://www.finelinefeatures.com/sites/hedwig/html/about/img/about_01.gif" /></p>
<p>Last Sunday, <a href="http://www.integrationresearch.org/gravatt">Scott</a> and I <a href="http://www.integrationresearch.org/gravatt//index.html#106791178573934291">went to see</a> <a href="http://www.finelinefeatures.com/sites/hedwig/#">Hedwig</a> <a href="http://www.hedwiginabox.com/">and the Angry Inch</a>. It's funny how a play about a transexual anti rock star can be of so much cultural significance. </p>
<p>The first words of the play were "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you like it or not, Hedwig! ...and like that {Berlin} wall, Hedwig stands in the divide: neither east nor west, neither slave nor free, neither man nor woman..." ...and I thought, "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0865475369/qid=1068220183/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_1/103-8069346-9323813?v=glance&n=507846">Trickster</a>!!</a>" The play also has some profound things to say about <a href="http://www.spies.com/~gus/ran/0108/010830.htm">love</a>, if you are able to hear.</p>
<p>Also Scott getting his nipple kissed by Hedwig, on stage in front of 150 or so mostly gay men, was a highlight, but I digress. The show itself was one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time. I'd love some audio of the "Serbian Tourism Theme Song" (not part of the movie): "Come Christian, come jew, Serbia: we've cleansed it for you," part of a larger bit making some good fun of the Balkans. SoFla was on the list for a good ballbusting, too, don't worry.</p>112Elsewheredaniel2003-11-07T15:58:13+00:00publish
- untitled<p><a href="http://biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?SearchType=AND&language=english&searchpage=0&search=pride&version=NIV">pride</a></p>
<p>Psalm 10<br />
1 Why, O LORD, do you stand far off?<br />
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?<br />
2 In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,<br />
who are caught in the schemes he devises.<br />
3 He boasts of the cravings of his heart;<br />
he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD .<br />
4 In his pride the wicked does not seek him;<br />
in all his thoughts there is no room for God.<br />
5 His ways are always prosperous;<br />
he is haughty and your laws are far from him;<br />
he sneers at all his enemies.<br />
6 He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me;<br />
I'll always be happy and never have trouble."<br />
7 His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats;<br />
trouble and evil are under his tongue. </p>
<p>12 Arise, LORD! Lift up your hand, O God.<br />
Do not forget the helpless.<br />
13 Why does the wicked man revile God?<br />
Why does he say to himself,<br />
"He won't call me to account"?<br />
14 But you, O God, do see trouble and grief;<br />
you consider it to take it in hand.<br />
The victim commits himself to you;<br />
you are the helper of the fatherless.<br />
15 Break the arm of the wicked and evil man;<br />
call him to account for his wickedness<br />
that would not be found out.</p>
<p>16 The LORD is King for ever and ever;<br />
the nations will perish from his land.<br />
17 You hear, O LORD , the desire of the afflicted;<br />
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,<br />
18 defending the fatherless and the oppressed,<br />
in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more. </p>
<p>Psalm 31<br />
17 Let me not be put to shame, O LORD ,<br />
for I have cried out to you;<br />
but let the wicked be put to shame<br />
and lie silent in the grave.<br />
18 Let their lying lips be silenced,<br />
for with pride and contempt<br />
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.</p>
<p>19 How great is your goodness,<br />
which you have stored up for those who fear you,<br />
which you bestow in the sight of men<br />
on those who take refuge in you. </p>
<p>Psalm 56<br />
1 Be merciful to me, O God, for men hotly pursue me;<br />
all day long they press their attack.<br />
2 My slanderers pursue me all day long;<br />
many are attacking me in their pride.<br />
3 When I am afraid,<br />
I will trust in you. </p>
<p>Psalm 62<br />
1 My soul finds rest in God alone;<br />
my salvation comes from him.<br />
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;<br />
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.</p>
<p>3 How long will you assault a man?<br />
Would all of you throw him down-<br />
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?<br />
4 They fully intend to topple him<br />
from his lofty place;<br />
they take delight in lies.<br />
With their mouths they bless,<br />
but in their hearts they curse.<br />
Selah</p>
<p>5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;<br />
my hope comes from him.<br />
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;<br />
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.<br />
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;<br />
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.<br />
8 Trust in him at all times, O people;<br />
pour out your hearts to him,<br />
for God is our refuge.<br />
Selah</p>
<p>9 Lowborn men are but a breath,<br />
the highborn are but a lie;<br />
if weighed on a balance, they are nothing;<br />
together they are only a breath.<br />
10 Do not trust in extortion<br />
or take pride in stolen goods;<br />
though your riches increase,<br />
do not set your heart on them.</p>
<p>11 One thing God has spoken,<br />
two things have I heard:<br />
that you, O God, are strong,<br />
12 and that you, O Lord, are loving.<br />
Surely you will reward each person<br />
according to what he has done. </p>
<p>Proverbs 11<br />
2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace,<br />
but with humility comes wisdom. <br />
4 Wealth is worthless in the day of wrath,<br />
but righteousness delivers from death. <br />
7 When a wicked man dies, his hope perishes;<br />
all he expected from his power comes to nothing. <br />
9 With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor,<br />
but through knowledge the righteous escape. <br />
12 A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor,<br />
but a man of understanding holds his tongue.<br />
14 For lack of guidance a nation falls,<br />
but many advisers make victory sure. <br />
16 A kindhearted woman gains respect,<br />
but ruthless men gain only wealth.<br />
17 A kind man benefits himself,<br />
but a cruel man brings trouble on himself.<br />
18 The wicked man earns deceptive wages,<br />
but he who sows righteousness reaps a sure reward. <br />
22 Like a gold ring in a pig's snout<br />
is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.<br />
24 One man gives freely, yet gains even more;<br />
another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty.<br />
25 A generous man will prosper;<br />
he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.<br />
28 Whoever trusts in his riches will fall,<br />
but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf.</p>
<p>Proverbs 13<br />
7 One man pretends to be rich, yet has nothing;<br />
another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth.<br />
8 A man's riches may ransom his life,<br />
but a poor man hears no threat.<br />
9 The light of the righteous shines brightly,<br />
but the lamp of the wicked is snuffed out.<br />
10 Pride only breeds quarrels,<br />
but wisdom is found in those who take advice.<br />
11 Dishonest money dwindles away,<br />
but he who gathers money little by little makes it grow. </p>
<p>Proverbs 16<br />
1 To man belong the plans of the heart,<br />
but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.<br />
2 All a man's ways seem innocent to him,<br />
but motives are weighed by the LORD.</p>
<p>18 Pride goes before destruction,<br />
a haughty spirit before a fall.<br />
19 Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed<br />
than to share plunder with the proud.</p>
<p><a href="http://biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?SearchType=AND&language=english&searchpage=0&search=humility&version=NIV">humility</a></p>
<p>Proverbs 11<br />
2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace,<br />
but with humility comes wisdom. </p>
<p>Proverbs 18<br />
12 Before his downfall a man's heart is proud,<br />
but humility comes before honor.</p>
<p>Proverbs 22<br />
4 Humility and the fear of the LORD<br />
bring wealth and honor and life.</p>
<p>Philippians 2<br />
1 If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, <br />
2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.<br />
3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. <br />
4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. </p>
<p>Colossians 3<br />
12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. <br />
13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.</p>
<p>James 3<br />
13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. </p>
<p><a href="http://biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?SearchType=AND&language=english&searchpage=0&version=NIV&search=humble&x=0&y=0">humble</a></p>
<p>Psalm 18<br />
27 You save the humble<br />
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.</p>
<p>Psalm 147<br />
6 The LORD sustains the humble<br />
but casts the wicked to the ground. </p>
<p>Matthew 18<br />
3 And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. <br />
4 Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.<br />
5 "And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."</p>
<p>Matthew 23<br />
11 The greatest among you will be your servant. <br />
12 For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. </p>
<p>Ephesians 4<br />
2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. <br />
3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. </p>
<p>James 4<br />
9 Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. <br />
10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. </p>
<p><br />
"Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them."</p>
<p>I said to the one standing before me, "I am overcome with anguish because of the vision, my lord, and I am helpless. How can I, your servant, talk with you, my lord? My strength is gone and I can hardly breathe."</p>
<p>"Do not be afraid, O man highly esteemed," he said. "Peace! Be strong now; be strong." <a href="http://biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?passage=DAN+10:11-13&language=english&version=NIV&showfn=on&showxref=on">#</a></p>106Elsewheredaniel2003-11-04T22:59:50+00:00publish
- 28 years old, in love and left for dead<p>So I recently finish Ethan Hawke's first novel, The Hottest State (having <a href="http://127.0.0.1/webdev/integration/daniel/index.php?file=2003_08.xml&id=75">read his second and last novel already</a>), courtesy of <a href="http://theyblinked.com">Dan</a>. It is, IMHO, better than Ash Wednesday, and you can go see how much I liked that one. Part of it is the place I am in in my life right now, but anyway, I am just going to quote some from it and leave it at that.<blockquote>"Something makes me think that William's {21st birthday} wasn't the first time he had a drink," said Harris.</p>
<p>"No, I don't think so either," my mother said, smiling, "but I've always thought that life moves in sevens: fourteen is puberty; twenty-one is the start of adulthood; twenty-eight is real adulthood; thirty-five is middle age. It always seems to me that big changes occur in my life every seven years." She took a long pause. "I can't think of any examples right now but I'm positive that it does." She laughed.</p>
<p>"I think life moves in elevens," said Harris's mother. "Christ died at thirty-three, you know."</p>
<p>"That's true, isn't it?" asked my mother.</p>
<p>"Yes, it is," she answered. The old woman was nodding so ferociously I thought she might fall out of her chair.</blockquote>...<blockquote>"Yes, but you see, I always believed in being 'of use,'" her mother said, standing up and pouring herself some more wine. "I would ask myself, How can I be of the most use? It is in that way that God speaks to us. And Sarah doesn't think about that. She wants to be special."</p>
<p>"I don't want to be special, Mom. A person can be 'of use' by singing. The world needs singers, doesn't it?" Sarah asked.</p>
<p>"Yes, but your mother doesn't," she said, pretending to be playful. "Your mother doesn't need any singers at all. And I think that New York has more than its share."</p>
<p>"Mom, you're drunk."</p>
<p>Mrs. Wingfield stared at her daughter. "Yes, I am. I have many faults, the worst of which is not how painfully I miss my daughter." She reached over again and straightened Sarah's collar. "But I will be able to stand before God and I'm a little worried about you."</p>
<p>"We'll see, Mom, we'll see," Sarah whispered.</p>
<p>"And what about you, Mr. William...What is your last name?" she asked, turning her gaze toward me. She had the cold, empty gray eyes of a blind person. I realized that I hadn't spent much time with old people.</p>
<p>"Harding," I said.</p>
<p>"Well, Mr. Harding, will you be able to stand before God?" She smiled a big, drunk, pompous smile.</p>
<p>"Oh, Mother," Sarah instantly pleaded, putting her napkin up on the table.</p>
<p>I stared at her mother and I thought about what she asked me.</p>
<p>"To tell you the truth, Mrs. Wingfield, it's my opinion that I have stood before God since the moment I met your daughter."</p>
<p>After that we didn't talk at all anymore.</blockquote>...<blockquote>"Don't you find it odd," she continued, "that when you're a kid, everyone, all the world, encourages you to follow your dreams. But when you're older, somehow they act offended if you even try."</blockquote>Appropriate music: <a href="http://pastemusic.com/artist/10111">Elliot Smith</a>, <a href="http://www.sweetadeline.net/lmiss.html">Miss Misery</a>. <a href="http://pastemusic.com/artists.asp?t=artist&search=pierce+pettis&browse=">Pierce Pettis</a>, <a href="http://pastemusic.com/radio/mp3/PiercePettis-JustLikeJimBrown.mp3">Just Like Jim Brown (She Is History)</a>.</p>105Elsewheredaniel2003-11-03T07:12:11+00:00publish