what a year for a new year<a href="http://www.acutecut.com/arkiv/001209.php">this list of questions from Rasmus</a> seems like a really good place to start in looking back over the last year:<blockquote>I ask myself questions like: Which people are new in my life this year? How have they affected me? How have I evolved as a person? As an artist? How did other events in my immediate surroundings affect me? Events in the rest of the world?</blockquote> ... <div align="right"> i comment <a href="http://www.rearviewwindow.com/blog/archives/000461.html">here</a> ... a very public mis-use of the english language. <a href="http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000099.html">worth linking to</a>. ... <img src="http://www.xxxchurch.com/patrol/images/car_back2_thumb.gif" /> <a href="http://www.relevantmagazine.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=2324&mode=&order=0">porn cars not welcome at church</a>. ... <img src="http://www.semisonic.com/images/photos/minakim/th.jpg" align="right" /> <a href="http://www.danwilsonmusic.com/media/WhatAYearForANewYear_MTC.mp3">what a year for a new year.mp3</a>, 5M, by <a href="http://www.danwilsonmusic.com/">Dan Wilson</a>. </div> ... So...which people are new in my life this year? Wow. So many. So many. How have they affected me? They've helped me survive. They've helped me live. Notice it is affected not effected. They have affected me greatly. Thank you all. How have I evolved as a person? Yoy. As an artist? An interesting one. In a year when I experienced the ulitimate rejection and was told that it was in part because I am an artist...and had taken away what I thought was the opportunity to become that artist...but at the same time freed to become that artist...it is hard to say how I've evolved...I think that I've finally lived through the kind of things that make one a true artist; gone through the fire that forms an artistic life, one based on a passion for the truth and love many of us so desperately seek but so rarely find in the manner we expect..."ain't it crazy what's revealed when you're not looking all that close...ain't it crazy how we put to death the ones we need the most." How did other events in my immediate surroundings affect me? Yoy. I had the reset button hit on my life; but I hope that I saw Trickster at that crossroads, if so <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0865475369/ref=sib_vae_srch/104-1597650-4722308?v=search-inside&keywords=crossroads&x=0&y=0">then maybe there is something to come from all of this</a>. A beautiful, meaningful story, even. Events in the rest of the world? May I put my head in the sand now?44MinutiaDaniel2003-12-31T14:36:28-05:00publishminutiaecouple more top presents: + copies of both <a href="http://www.ours.net/">ours</a> records, from <a href="http://benbubar.blogspot.com/">ben</a> + two rad photographs by and from <a href="http://baileysirishjean.blogspot.com/">rebecca</a> ... i've been thinking again about the truth. why we can't just admit to it. i said to a friend the other day, "if i'm doing something i'm ashamed of, i stop doing it, and then i can admit to it." especially once the truth is already 'out there' ...why is it so hard to just admit the truth? why are we so proud? why are we ashamed? we don't have to justify our behavior, we just have to admit that we're all fuck ups. and it's ok. it's ok as long as we admit it about ourselves. got a glimpse the other day into the immorality going on in the leadership of the biggest church in south florida. funny, i hate moralism and immorality both. i don't even believe in moral black and whites, but i sure as fuck know when what you are doing is hurting someone i love. and i love humans. i love humanity. love. yeah. ... so last night while i was at the Dada open mic, i had the passenger-side window of my car smashed to little tiny bits and my backpack taken out of me car. at first i had forgotten that my backpack was in my car at all...it took another half hour to remember that (during which time i was like WTF? they didn't take anything?!). then it took another hour after that to remember that my passport was in that backpack. then it took about .1 seconds after that to remember that i'm leaving for London in, like, 9 days. and before anyone else tells me how it's not a good idea (read: stupid) to leave your backpack on the passenger seat of your shiny car while a hop-skip away from the ghetto, just realize that my response to you, ms/mr/mrs #4 today, will be, "Fuck you." so today i'm two bills lighter for a new window. tomorrow i will be another two bills lighter for a new passport, expedited. other than that, the contents of the backpack included my favorite watch, my wifi card, my planner, my notebook, and a folder with some old receipts and misc crap which i hope they just threw out because they couldn't possibly profit from knowing the results of my recent STD tests. in my planner, behind some frequent flyer cards, was a bank card, which they tried to use that evening, but i had never activated it, so it didn't work. nany-nany-poo-poo you motherfuckers. for a while i thought all the divorce papers were in there too, which would have been funny-funny, but they weren't. i still have them. woot. so today i changed all my passwords and shit, just in case. i find it interesting that not only, by necessity, do i have a new pad, new car, (old job), very much an old-new life, but now i even have new forms of identification...a while back somebody lost my drivers license, and now somebody stole my passport. not appreciative of the hassle and expense of the replacements, but it is kind of apt. meanwhile, fuck you all you selfish people, every last one of you. and lovers, let's help get each other through this shit. something else awaits us on the other side, and it's gonna be good. or it darn well better be.43MinutiaDaniel2003-12-30T17:52:51-05:00publish"life goes on, Jack, with or without God."<a href="http://www.21-grams.com/index.php">21 Grams</a>. Easily the best movie I've seen all year. Amazing. <img src="http://www.21-grams.com/assets/images/shared/set02.gif" align="center" /><blockquote>...a meditation that explores some of the things in our complex lives: loss, addiction, love, guilt, coincidence, vengeance, obligation, faith, hope, and redemption. I like multi-dimensional and contradictory characters, as I am and as, I guess, are all human beings that I know. No one is simply good or bad. We are just floating in an immense universe of circumstances. I like to show their weaknesses and their strengths without judging them, because only then can they reveal things about our human condition.</blockquote>director Alejandro Gonz�lez I��rritu<blockquote>There is always a moral issue in all of my work; moral in the sense that decisions have consequences. Almost all of my work is about the dead influencing the living.</blockquote>screenwriter Guillermo Arriaga<blockquote>Life has beauty even in its roughness.</blockquote><a href="http://www.21-grams.com/assets/images/stillsPopUp/photo-4.jpg">cinematographer</a> <a href="http://www.kodak.com/US/en/motion/forum/onFilm/prietoQA.shtml">Rodrigo Prieto</a>notes to self: William Faulkner; Amores perros41CommentDaniel2003-12-27T17:35:27-05:00publishtop xmas presents 03This year I have been decidedly bah about xmas, asking for no presents and giving none (although I do enjoy giving more spontaneously, which I have and will do with relative proximity to the Great Consumer Holiday). But the interesting thing about this place in life is that many things are a gift. <a href="http://www.ucomics.com/shoe/2003/12/25/">05</a>. just kidding. 04. the amazing weather the morning of december 25, on a beach in central florida. dry, cool, sunny. and yes god only makes it in at the bottom of the list. just kidding there too (but no cheesiness about the gift of baby Jesus ok?). 03. major props to mom and dad for getting me <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0634035959/qid=1072477427/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/104-1597650-4722308?v=glance&s=books">this very cool book</a> i could have never afforded myself. 02. i'm back up a belt notch (still down two or three from august) thanks to the amazing culinary talents of my sister. who knew?! 01. scott picked up the tab last tuesday night at the pub. i'd had, um, a few. i was feeling good. and then to find out it had all been settled at the end of the night. woot! 00. hmm. the best thing wasn't a present at all. nor will it be mentioned here. :) ... Anil has a great review of our modern habits around xmas, I recommend <a href="http://www.dashes.com/anil/index.php?archives/008009.php">checking it out</a>:<blockquote>It probably comes as little surprise to most of my readers that I'm known for being something of a Scrooge. A healthy skepticism over the sincerity of holiday wishes when extended by complete strangers combined with a bone-deep contempt for monoculture leaves me in something less than a purely "Ho Ho Ho" mood most Christmases, despite the abundance of engagingly bad music that characterizes the season and tends to mitigate my contempt. There's even a quieter part of me that suspects that many Christians who take their faith as a personal and serious manner would resent my being asked to participate in any observance of Christmas, and I am wary of being urged to disrespect that. But this year I've enjoyed the season more as I've come to see it less as a triumph of religious evangelism and more as a triumph of, you guessed it, the ubiquitous cultural influence of New York City. A secular cultural insitution predicated on goodwill, generosity, no small amount of old-fashioned capitalism, good cheer in the darkness of seasonally-affected winter, and savvy marketing? I'm all 'bout it. Stick with me on this one, though; I'm not completely crazy. <a href="http://www.dashes.com/anil/index.php?archives/008009.php">more</a></blockquote> ... <blockquote>Tradition is something you can start, not just something you can observe.</blockquote>My new tradition is giving up the material throes of it all so that I can be open to the best gifts of all.40MinutiaDaniel2003-12-26T17:34:42-05:00publishHenry David Thoreau<blockquote>Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.</blockquote>39QuotableDaniel2003-12-26T17:02:37-05:00publishfearfrom <a href="http://www.theyblinked.com/blog/2003_12_21_theyblinked_archive.html#107207770297623953">the urban half-way house for abused divorcee men</a>. <blockquote>it seems to be a rite of passage not unlike graduation, children or retirement... only ten-thousand times more painful.</blockquote> ... <blockquote>cycles of disconnection are fearful times. they are fearful because we have a hard time not projecting out the present across all that we take to be the future. for many of us change is an unwelcome kindred that cannot be dealt with gracefully. we fear what might be outside of the paralysis of frantic motion that has no traction--behind the pain; ahead the unknown; the moment a stunningly painful marriage of the two. it takes great courage to be of faith in such times. it tests our metal; asks us what we are made of; makes us worth our salt and all of the old adages that stand in for a lack of language to hold the moment. it takes great faith to be of courage in such times. we are left with nothing; nothing save our last wit and what seems to be too many regrets for the time yet stretched out ahead. the moment's faithfulness does not seem enough in such times. though it remains all that is left. the stones look an awful lot like bread amidst the insane voices of solitude. not living by bread alone hard to grasp when the not living is the only part of the phrase with any tangible meaning. one must remember that the stones are stones if the desert is to be endured. it is often our friends who encircle us in these times; most with the empty advise of those outside our skin yet somehow presuming to point to the platitude that applies to the pain the skin is feeling. not wanting to be such a friend i have little to say. so in silence we sit together; not living by bread alone all we can grasp.</blockquote>38QuotableDaniel2003-12-23T10:39:44-05:00publishsmall lights on random nightslast night played the Dada open mic. none of my peps showed up, although <a href="http://popuprecords.com/bands/summerblanket/">a friend</a> runs it and another acquaintance is always ready with good conversation. my set: Jesus of New Orleans, Prayin' for You (a new one), and Closed for the Year. didn't know what to play last. hadn't played that tune for a while. not a particularly exciting set. i was tired and kept my eyes clamped shut for most of it. but i had been needing to play for a while now. in a bit of a down period musically (besides writing and fantasizing). anyway, point of this story is a woman came up to me after my little set and asked if i had any CD's on me. i didn't. i remembered on the way up to Dada, but my CD's are buried in my suitcase. besides, i hate open mic'ers who hock their CD's. anyway, she said she loved my voice. you have no idea how much such a simple statement means to me. thank you. it's Helen, right? enjoy the <a href="http://danielsjourney.com/art">tracks</a>.37MinutiaDaniel2003-12-23T10:28:47-05:00publishno alarm clock needed indeed<a href="http://www.danielsjourney.com/blog/index.php?file=2003_12_01.xml&id=155">apparently for a while</a>. woke with a start at 5:45 this morning. trying hard to forget that one. one little bonus with waking up before the sun is I was able to go watch the sunrise. i can't remember the last time i watched a sunrise. that thing just pops right out of the ocean. new beginnings. the sun will rise and all that. it is definately dumb-struck awe I felt as I considered exactly what that sun is, what this planet is I am sitting on. would still prefer the second coming to another day on this rock, but. while i was sitting there waiting for the fireball to appear on the horizon, a couple walked onto the beach. within a couple minutes the guy got down on his knees, pulled a box out of his pocket. he was talking a lot. i imagined his professions of love, his promises of care and loyalty. the ring was placed on her finger. as he stood i saw her wiping her cheeks. they stood side by side as the sun arose out of the sea. i cried. i prayed fervently last night for no known reason. i heard a voice in my head like that of a heavenly father, telling me everything was going to be ok, no matter what. then i woke up feeling more violated and lonely than ever. this morning's soundtrack was Rufus' version of Hallelujah, <a href="http://kidbrothers.net/">Rich</a>, and for some strange reason just as I was watching that proposal Cutting Crew, <a href="http://www.lyricsxp.com/lyrics/i/i_ve_been_in_love_before_cutting_crew.html">I've Been in Love Before</a>, popped into my head. no clue. i heard that voice again at the beach. it said <a href="http://biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?language=english&passage=Isaiah+31&version=NIV">Isaiah 31</a>. didn't even know if there was such a place--it told me earlier to bring my Bible but i forgot. i got back to my hole, looked it up, and, well, still no clue. i'd like to think that i'm on the good side of that equation, that he will protect me and not kill me for being with the Egyptians. but who really knows.36MinutiaDaniel2003-12-23T10:14:04-05:00publishi don't care.<blockquote>i don't care about you, or you, or you. i don't care about this, or that, or that other thing. perfectly sollipsistic, no? oh, i don't care if you think so, mmhm, i don't. take your plaques and shove them. take your certificates of achievement and roll them up and shove those, too. let me tell you something, there is no way you will ever stay inspired as long as you are doing things for accolades or grades or recognition. regardless of who you are, one day people will get bored of you, you will get old, you will die, and no one will remember you, and if they do remember you they will only remember what they want to, which more likely than not will not even really be you at all. i think the secret is the i don't care. anyway, i don't care is far more inspiring than another line on my resume.</blockquote> <a href="http://thatbrokengirl.blogspot.com/2003_12_01_thatbrokengirl_archive.html#107198854084244878">thatbrokengirl</a>34QuotableDaniel2003-12-22T14:34:28-05:00publishballingNo not that kind. I wish. No, I cry at the drop of a hat now. It's great. I'm trying to allow it to happen. My first emotional instinct is to stuff it once it starts to come up, but I'm learning to just let it all out. Need that.33MinutiaDaniel2003-12-22T14:27:13-05:00publishwithadot<a title="withadot" href="http://withadot.blogspot.com/">Kausar</a> is <a href="http://withadot.blogspot.com/archives/2003_12_14_withadot_archive.html#107161603706424540">published</a> with <a href="http://www.journals.elsevierhealth.com/periodicals/can/article/PIIS0304383503005494/abstract">Isolation of lung tumor specific peptides from a random peptide library: generation of diagnostic and cell-targeting reagents</a>. Of course he is. He also told <a href="http://withadot.blogspot.com/archives/2003_12_14_withadot_archive.html#107195181868281101">a story about flunking the 6th grade</a> that can brighten your day considerably. For some strange reason, until just now, I always read his site as "whatadot." No idea.32ElsewhereDaniel2003-12-22T14:07:34-05:00publishthe real cold war<a title="acutecut - digital home of Rasmus Rasmussen" href="http://www.acutecut.com/arkiv/001202.php">via Rasmus Rasmussen</a> <blockquote>When the Americans landed on the moon, the Soviets got really pissed off and immediately swore revenge. So they came up with a sinister plan, a lightning mission that would be completed in just one night. The day after, as it became night over the US, it was there for all to see: The Soviets had painted the moon red! A victory for them and for Communism everywhere! But the Americans would not be beaten so easily, and they launched a mission of their own. The following night, as the Soviets gathered to look up at their commie-red moon, they got themselves quite a shock, for across it the Americans had written: Coca-Cola!</blockquote>30ElsewhereDaniel2003-12-22T13:52:54-05:00publishGhandi On Christianity<blockquote>My association with Christians dates from 1889 and there was a time in my life when I sincerely considered Christianity as my religion. In my pursuit, I met many a scholars and thinkers, who while having a profound effect on me, were not able to convince me. Although I admire much in Christianity, I am unable to identify myself with the orthodox Christianity. I must tell you in all humility that Hinduism, as I know it, entirely satisfies my soul, and fills my whole being. The missionaries come to India thinking that they come to a land of heathen, of idolaters, of men who do not know God. My own experiences all over India have been on the contrary. An average Indian is as much a seeker after truth as the Christian missionaries are, possibly more so. Please do not flatter yourselves with the belief that a mere recital of that celebrated verse in St. John makes a man Christian. If I have read the Bible correctly, I know many men who have never known the name of Jesus Christ, men who have even rejected the official interpretations of Christianity, but would nevertheless, if Jesus came in our midst today in the flesh, be probably owned by him more than many of us. My position is that it does not matter what faith you practice, as long as the soul longs for truth.</blockquote> <a href="http://www.kamat.com/mmgandhi/xity.htm">#</a> via <a title="Doc-Martens.net" href="http://doc-martens.net/?EK=8B2F3777-B010-41A8-9A51D2D5CE2C2C71#8B2F3777-B010-41A8-9A51D2D5CE2C2C71">Doc-Martens.net</a>28QuotableDaniel2003-12-22T13:28:10-05:00publishwet<blockquote>A central motivation for Downhill Battle as a project is this feeling I get: that the music business as it stands right now is a dam, plugging up and closing off a giant reservoir of creativity and beauty that seems to come out of quite regular people. And that if we manage somehow to crack it, the torrent of raw human potential will crash down through the valley and get all of us--everybody-- a little wet. Right now this music might be locked out of the mainstream by the music cartel, or bottled up in self-consciously obscure scenes, but when it escapes (or busts in) it'll change our culture in a subtle but unstoppable way.</blockquote> Holmes Wilson in <a href="http://www.downhillbattle.org/interviews/robb_nansel.html">Interview: Robb Nansel, Saddle Creek Records</a> on <a href="http://www.downhillbattle.org">Downhill Battle</a>. I second that, and have the same motivation for <a href="http://integrationresearch.org">IR</a>, just meta'd-out to include all cultural things and with a specific technologically-enhanced battle plan. Add Downhill Battle to the list of sites and org's that fit the "IR paradigm(s)" as we have begun to say. Sometimes we just say integration paradigm, which is actually better, more descriptive, true, and less egocentric.27QuotableDaniel2003-12-21T14:44:38-05:00publishlie<blockquote>A lie is also an imaginative invention, but only on the part of the liar. In hearing a lie we can't share in its creativity. Only the liar knows he's lying. The only "gift" a lie therefore gives anyone is belief in something that doesn't exist. This is the cruelty of all lies. There is no corresponding cruelty in fiction. To lie is to place upon the tongue, page, or television screen words designed to suppress or distort the truth, usually for the sake of some self-serving agenda.</blockquote> From David James Duncan, <a href="http://www.oriononline.org/pages/om/03-1om/Duncan.html">When Compassion Becomes Dissent</a>, in <a href="http://www.oriononline.org">Orion</a>. Wish I was settled down enough to get mag subscriptions again, this would be one of them. Also wish they had RSS feeds of anything off their site. This quote is in reference to our current administration's statements, specifically in regard to Iraq. The article points out a lot of things I knew already about how the US has been perpetuating human rights violations in Iraq for ten years. It's really sad and made me cry at one point. I've been thinking a lot about lies lately, for obvious reasons, and also reading <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0865475369/qid=1072034689//ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i0_xgl14/103-1979087-0280610?v=glance&s=books&n=507846">Trickster</a>, which talks about the way tricksters lie. There are definately different types of lies, like most things in life it is a paradox, and it is really just up to us to decide which lies are evil and which are just trickster. I actually kinda already know, at least for myself, how to distinguish between the two, but I'm just going to leave it at that for now. The quote already touches on it anyhow.26QuotableDaniel2003-12-21T14:37:28-05:00publishpictorial<img src="images/2003_12/graphiti.jpg" width="300" height="225" /> <img src="images/2003_12/cracks.jpg" width="300" height="225" /> <img src="images/2003_12/corner_light.jpg" width="300" height="225" /> <img src="images/2003_12/gypsy_tea_room.jpg" width="300" height="225" /> <img src="images/2003_12/beef_jerky.jpg" width="200" height="280" /> yeah. <img src="images/2003_12/snow.jpg" width="300" height="225" /> snow! <img src="images/2003_12/friend.jpg" width="200" height="208" /> a friend, a gift from <a href="http://withadot.blogspot.com/">a friend <img src="images/2003_12/kaus_n_em.jpg" width="300" height="271" border="0" /></a> <img src="images/2003_12/primitive_church.jpg" width="300" height="190" /> <img src="images/2003_12/primitive_church_sign.jpg" width="277" height="166" /> somehow a church with "primitive" in its name really appeals to me. <img src="images/2003_12/new_amsterdam.jpg" width="300" height="225" /> "we're goin' down to new amsterdam..." <img src="images/2003_12/pint_espresso.jpg" width="300" height="225" /> don't remember what it's called, but it's a shot of espresso in a pint of guinness, and damn is it good...and an effective buzz...of course it was my fifth shot of espresso today...25ImaginingDaniel2003-12-16T22:21:30-05:00publish