Nan Martin show IR Gallery 2<img src="files/2004/10/IRGallery-nanmartinshow-10.jpg" /> This particular group of three pieces is one of the most amazing things I've seen. I'm so stoked to have them hanging in my "living room" for the month. You'll get a better idea of their scale on down the page here. If you have $10k you can have them hanging in your living room, permanently. If I had $10k, I would own them already. Why the f* don't you people with $10k already own these? Everyone I know is wondering this. <img src="files/2004/10/IRGallery-nanmartinshow-09.jpg" /> Mr. <a href="http://herotozero.org">Hal Samples</a>. <img src="files/2004/10/IRGallery-nanmartinshow-08.jpg" /> <img src="files/2004/10/IRGallery-nanmartinshow-07.jpg" /> <img src="files/2004/10/IRGallery-nanmartinshow-06.jpg" /> <a href="http://www.rearviewwindow.com/photos/cat_judah_fan_club.php">Judah fan club</a>. As always. Gawd that kid is cute. <img src="files/2004/10/IRGallery-nanmartinshow-05.jpg" /> There were a LOT of cameras out at this show. <img src="files/2004/10/IRGallery-nanmartinshow-04.jpg" /> <img src="files/2004/10/IRGallery-nanmartinshow-03.jpg" /> I particularly like where the guy throwing one back in the background. <img src="files/2004/10/IRGallery-nanmartinshow-02.jpg" /> After-reception: lighting cigarette on the stove. Yes that's <a href="http://www.sarahjanesemrad.com/photoblog/party_for_partys_sake/paul_and_andrea.html">Paul</a>'s hand. <img src="files/2004/10/IRGallery-nanmartinshow-01.jpg" /> 29184100ImaginingDaniel2004-10-29T06:40:19stagenostalgia<img src="files/2004/10/rs_2004.gif" align="right" title="image from simplebits.com" />The Boston Red Socks won the World Series last night for the first time in 86 years. <a href="http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4130521">Check out this NPR story for an 8 year-old boy calling his great-grandfather, who was 8 years-old the last time the Socks won the Series</a>. I didn't get to see a single game. Last year, in Florida, we all watched every American League and National League championship game, while the underdogs--the Chicago Cubs and the Socks--both tried to get into the Series. Neither did. But we were there for them, enjoying a sport all of us had been previously too hip to enjoy in the public and private gatherings of our existence. Those series spoke to us the simplicity and community we longed for. <img src="files/2004/10/sox200.jpg" align="left" title="image from npr.org" />No one here, that I know of, watched any of the games. Of the two neighborhood bars that I frequent, only one has a TV, and no one watches sports on it. I didn't hear the World Series mentioned once in my circles here. Too hip for baseball. Drink is at once more reserved and less safe here. <img src="files/2004/10/DSCN1265.jpg" title="Tito barracks, Sarajevo" /> This post is actually about someone and something I can't mention. Although there's no way to know that yet. I have to write those bits in between the lines with an electron microscope. Someone asked me, last time I saw them {I am going to use poor English so as to be more ambiguous}, what I would miss, and then laughed The Laugh; and I said, "That." Memories are horribly bottom-up emotions. The films are already buried on the projector-room floor, dirty, trampled, broken. It's the sounds and tastes and objects with history that heat up the rock, bubble up the lava of those strange things from the past. What? I lived where? I did what? I enjoy life. It may be hard to see from only the perspective provided by this site, but I do, and I have. And I want to enjoy life some more. And I don't want to compromise. I know I will compromise, on no day will I be perfect. But. Anyway...<a href="http://danielsjourney.com/media/Daniel%20Miller%20Band%20-%20demos%20-%20Gospel%20Bar%20Song.mp3">Daniel Miller - demos - Gospel Bar Song</a> (5.1M mp3). Recorded spring 2003. The laughing is in response to someone who came into the room and started doing animated hand motions to the lyrics. (They aren't hard to figure out--"So I buy you another shot," etc...and big hand waving for the Yeah-yeah-yeah's.) You can hear me trying to hold it back, until finally I can't contain... So, it was very weird to find this on a digital recorder I hadn't seen in almost a year. ...and I said, "That." ...Today I found this picture of Elvis, who produced <a href="../art/music">my EP</a> in Sarajevo. I left telling him I'd see him in 6 weeks. I haven't had a way to contact him since. He is a good soul. I often wish on him good things. And he is a trickster, a bard, a minstrel, so I know they will find him, or vice versa. <img src="files/2004/10/elvis.jpg" />28130330HistoricalDaniel2004-10-28T10:59:35stageannouncing danielsjourney.com/art<img src="http://danielsjourney.com/art/images/2004/06/blackback_upright.png" /> <img src="http://danielsjourney.com/art/images/2004/06/DSCN2729.png" /> <img src="http://danielsjourney.com/art/images/2004/06/DSCN1487v.png" /> <img src="http://danielsjourney.com/art/images/2004/06/installations.png" /> <a href="http://danielsjourney.com/art/">danielsjourney.com/art</a> is finally up, about 3 months later than planned. There has been the framework of the <a href="http://danielsjourney.com/art/music/">Daniel Miller Band</a> (/art/music) site up since June, a few of you saw it maybe. It is my favorite design of anything I've ever done. <a href="http://danielsjourney.com/art/installations/">Installations</a> has been up for about two weeks. <a href="http://danielsjourney.com/art/writing/">Writings</a> and <a href="http://danielsjourney.com/art/photography/">Photography</a> are, alas, still underconstruction. Go. Explore. Play. Request passwords. Let me know if you see anything needs fixing. And let me know what you think, please...especially if it's good stuff.26030013AnnouncementsDaniel2004-10-26T02:59:40stageNan Martin show IR Gallery 1<a href="irgallery.net">IR Gallery</a>, <a href="http://www.integrationresearch.org/gallery/archives/2004/10/nan_martin_10201117.html">Nan Martin</a> reception, Sat 23 Oct. Photos by <a href="http://herotozero.org">Hal Samples</a>. <img src="http://danielsjourney.com/blog/files/2004/10/IR-Gallery-006.jpg" /> <img src="http://danielsjourney.com/blog/files/2004/10/IR-Gallery-007.jpg" /> <a href="http://www.rearviewwindow.com/photos/cat_judah_fan_club.php">Judah Fan Club</a>: <img src="http://danielsjourney.com/blog/files/2004/10/IR-Gallery-009.jpg" /> <img src="http://danielsjourney.com/blog/files/2004/10/IR-Gallery-012.jpg" /> 25000412ImaginingHal2004-10-25T12:01:02stagethis is what you should do1. rent <a href="http://imdb.com/title/tt0285823/">Once Upon a Time in Mexico</a> on DVD. if a friend happens to own OUaTiM because of an impulse buy a while back, all the better. 2. watch the movie (optional). (if in the mood for a mindless flick with lots of gratuitous violence and perpetually backstabbing characters.) 3. watch the three featurettes in the special features section of the dvd. 4. the next three steps may be experienced in any order: 4a. jealousy 4b. covet 4c. motivation Update: I forgot: 4d. hunger. for pork of all things. 5. drive home (if home already, then just do a big loop or something). drive fast down a sunken highway at night while listening to <a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=green+day+american+idiot">the new Green Day record</a> really loud. related: <a href="http://troublemakerstudios.com">troublemaker studios</a>. not: OMG. <a href="http://www.raylamontagne.com">Ray LaMontagne</a>.22112010MinutiaDaniel2004-10-22T10:54:36stageehI just wanted to push last last post down. I'll update this post later. {If you don't see a new Fray Day image on this page do a forced refresh. It's h-o-t. Thanks to <a href="http://rearviewwindow.com/">Mr. Rudd</a>.} Update: BTW, <a href="http://snarkmarket.com/blog/snarkives/election_2004/wanting_war/">Snarkmarket</a> and <a href="http://www.toshikomi.com/blogs/archives/000206.html">toshikomi</a> said it better anyway. "There must be diamonds somewhere in a place that stinks this bad." <a href="http://www.songmeanings.net/lyric.php?lid=3530822107858490873">#</a> I was spending much of last night on the <a href="http://overtherhine.com/orchard/index.php">OtR forums</a>, and reading <a href="http://www.overtherhine.com/orchard/index.php?showtopic=2772">Linford's Northern Spy #5, Dispatch from the Grey Ghost</a>, dreaming while still awake, contemplating what kind of life and legacy I want to have and how that relates or could work with sustaining myself month to month. Dirty fingers on the keyboard, posting short replies, clicking through notes and pictures that give context to lives which I admire... "There are brighter things than diamonds coming down the line."20140849MinutiaDaniel2004-10-20T02:08:22stageThis shall be my last political postI can't wait for this election to be over, no matter the outcome, although the just the idea of another Bush term is enough to paralyze me with anxiety. Now that I've sent away the very people I wanted to address with this post, here goes: While it is clear that <a href="http://go.sojo.net/campaign/takebackourfaith">"God is Not a Republican. Or a Democrat."</a> it still troubles me that some people would consider a vote for Bush a "Christian" vote. Or, I dare say, a republican vote. I'm going to make just a couple quick points for why I think Bush has violated both his Christian and republican values. First on conservative politics: <ol><li><a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=bush+fiscal+responsibility">Record deficit</a>: I find Bush's campaigning against Kerry, that he won't come up with the money for his promises, hard to swallow. It's like I'm hearing candidate Bush from 2000 (the one I voted for, btw) again. But his record just isn't consistent with his supposedly conservative values. It's so much the opposite it would comedy if our futures were not at stake. <a href="files/2004/10/deficit.png"><img src="files/2004/10/deficit_small.png" /></a> (graph from <a href="http://bushgame.com">bushgame.com</a>) By the way I'm not going to take "we're in a war on terra" as an excuse for any of the things I'm mentioning. Gotta call bullshit on that my friends.</li> <li><a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=Patriot+Act">Patriot Act</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=Total+Information+Awareness">et al</a>: He's also campaigning again on keeping government out of our business, and again I would laugh if it weren't so sad in light of the facts. Every time he says "strong leadership" I want to say "if by 'strong leadership' you mean 'a dictatorship.'" Forget international treaties we've completely ignored and the hypocrisy we've been so in everyone's face with (after Abu Ghraib I was shocked to hear the term "rape rooms" ever again in the context of Saddam). We've had more civil liberties taken from us since 9/11 than in the prior 26 years of my existence. I wish the irony of gun-toting republicans rolling over as all the rest of their rights as citizens are taken from them would escape me.</li></ol> And on Christian character: <ol><li>Lies: I've tried to give the president of the United States the benefit of the doubt. I really have. And I understand how power will seriously mess with one's mind. But it's also no secret that I think <a href="index.php?file=2003_11.xml&id=123">lies are</a> <a href="index.php?file=2003_11.xml&id=124">the worst</a> (those quotes from New Zealand theologian/thinker Mike Riddell). People like Bush's "plain speech," yet his words have been anything but. He's spun himself and his policies (i.e. lied) so many times now he believes it to be true. That's when we cross the line from typical politician to scary zealot.</li> <li>War: Is it me or has the "moral majority" and "Christian right" completely forgotten about <a href="http://biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?SearchType=AND&language=english&searchpage=0&search=peacemakers&version=NIV">Matthew 5:9/James 3:18</a>? I don't believe you have to be a pacifist if you are a Christian (although the argument could be made). But we are the geographical aggressor for the first time in our nation's history. Do you realize the jump from helping other nations defend themselves (even when we have something to gain), or even supporting coups (or otherwise sticking our nose where it doesn't belong), to what we've done in Iraq? This point is actually against both conservatism and Christianity. <a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=candidate+bush+nation+building">And he said he wouldn't do it</a>. Little did we know he would do it on unprecedented levels. (If you honestly still believe Iraq was a threat, I'm certainly not swaying you with this post anyway.)</li></ol> I've tried to keep my points short despite the number of issues I have with our current administration and those issue's complexity. But I was a true conservative Christian in 2000. In the last four years I have seen all those values turned on their head. Since when have Democrats had the authority in matters of morality* and fiscal responsibility? Since now. I'm still not crazy about Kerry. Social security is dead as a doornail and I wish he'd stop making promises in regards to it. I don't like either candidate's plans for healthcare (and I've been completely uninsured for almost a year, and had been previously as well), although I lean towards Bush's (but healthcare has been an issue for a long time and nothing's changed). But I can't stand to have blatant hypocrisy thrown in my face for another four years. I've never been afraid of the terrorists. But another Bush term makes me very afraid indeed. *And those other "moral" issues (abortion, gay marriage, etc.)? You can't legislate those, brothers and sisters. Surely you can see that by now. If you want a theocracy, convert to Islam and move to Iran.19222137CommentDaniel2004-10-19T10:21:12stagefew weeks in camera phone pics<img src="files/2004/10/ticketsinside.jpg" /> are there tickets? are they inside? long story. had fun/interesting time on TX/OU game day. <img src="files/2004/10/corky.jpg" /> corky stayed over a couple days last week. <img src="files/2004/10/happybullets.jpg" /> happy bullets show at sons of hermann. <img src="files/2004/10/sotajazzband.jpg" /> jazz band at the sota show. <img src="files/2004/10/sotasold.jpg" /> red dot! sota show. <img src="files/2004/10/salmon.jpg" /> salmon at the rudds: easily the best meal i've had in months. <a href="http://www.rearviewwindow.com/photos/cat_judah_fan_club.php">judah fan club</a>...! <img src="files/2004/10/judah05.jpg" /> <img src="files/2004/10/judah06.jpg" /> <img src="files/2004/10/judah04.jpg" />18134256ImaginingDaniel2004-10-18T01:42:39stageresonant girlSkate's body resonated. Whenever music played, her whole body vibrated like a giant organic subwoofer. When a car drove by, buzzing a bass line for the whole neighborhood to enjoy, Skate would rattle more than their rear windshield. The former was convenient in that I didn't really have to by a subwoofer for my stereo system. The latter was inconvenient when we would be spooning late at night and someone would drive by. My fillings would practically come loose. I asked Skate when this started and she said sometime during early puberty. Like many chronic diseases, it came on slowly, imperceptively at first. A ringing in the ears, a strange vibration in the jaw. No clues on what it was linked to. It was when her entire chest cavity started to become sonorous and loud car stereo systems became en vogue in the early 90's that Skate and her family began to put it together. A string of doctor visits, two years' worth all told, ensued. None had any ideas, only one even ventured to coin this unprecedented condition. One would think the academics would have been jumping on the chance to name something after themselves, but in the end it was determined that Skate's "acoustically resonant" body was not doing her harm or causing her pain, so with no solutions, the medical field sent her on her way, advising her to stay away from rock concerts. So she lived for a few years, enjoying the library, the only person in her peer group to own no records, leaving parties early, casually turning the stereo down at friends' houses. Then her last living grandparent died and it got worse. Then her first boyfriend dumped her for her best friend. Then her parents divorced. By the time we met she was vibrating almost constantly, like a smoker's cough. I could tell when a big truck was coming down the road before I could even hear it with my own ears. I asked her what she was going to do and she said she didn't know. She enjoys her quiet days in her cubical and subdued nights at home. We live in a well insulated apartment building with mostly middle-aged residents--no loud music and no blaring-for-the-deaf televisions--but what I meant was, what was she going to do about the rest of life's pain? Another death in the family, another break up...hell, enough of the evening news was eventually going to rattle her heart right out of her ribcage. She wouldn't be able to sit down without the chair gradually moving across the floor. She seemed to not think about that. Eventually I stopped thinking about it too, and learned to take comfort in the reverberant body curled up next to me at night. Then my ears started ringing and my jaw trembling. And I stopped watching the news. 17150550FictionDaniel2004-10-17T03:05:16stagethings i've found this month<ul> <li><a href="http://www.chionwolf.com/">Chion Wolf</a> (say "khy-own") (I was the only person to have asked how to say her name at the time) I found through <a href="http://www.mperia.com/displayfull.php?searchby=artist&id=721">Mperia</a>.<blockquote>Here's the deal with the album: <ol><li>Send me your name and address - JUPITERMG@AOL.COM</li><li>wait a few days</li><li>when you get the CD, listen to it, and let me know what you thought!</li><li>if you like it, pass it on! copy the hell out of it! all you out there are the only way i'll ever get some honest feedback AND get my music out.</li></ol></blockquote><img src="http://www.mperia.com/images/artists/chion_wolf_pic.jpg" alt="chion pic. thanks mperia for bandwidth" align="right" />The record is good. Kindred spirit. I of course sent her my record as well. <a href="http://www.chionwolf.blogspot.com/">Yes she blogs</a>. Yes I'll be putting the record on the media share soon, for those of you with access to such things.</li> <li><a href="http://www.purselipsquarejaw.org/surrealist_games/index.php">PLSJ's surrealist and other beautiful games</a></li> <li><a href="http://oblivio.com/archives/04082001.html">oblivo: "The ghost of my father keeps leaving me post-its. He sticks them on my bathroom mirror."</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.bookmarklets.com/">www.bookmarklets.com</a></li> <li><a href="http://thesmokinggun.com/archive/1013043mackris1.html">O'Reilly Hit With Sex Harass Suit</a></li> <li><a href="http://scribbling.net/1049-federal-rights-depend-on-marital-status">1,049 federal rights depend on marital status</a></li> <li>really good free electronic music mp3s: <a href="http://www.archive.org/audio/audio-details-db.php?collection=monotonik&collectionid=mtk111">Ernesto Aeroflot - Oll Tolk'n' no Ding atcheev'd [mtk111]</a>, <a href="http://www.archive.org/audio/audio-details-db.php?collection=embryo&collectionid=emb016">EMB016 - Terminal Sound System - The Unquiet Sun</a>, <a href="http://www.archive.org/audio/audio-details-db.php?collection=monotonik&collectionid=mtk123">Aleksi Virta - ..Meets Torsti At The Space Lounge [mtk123]</a>, <a href="http://waxy.org/random/audio/kleptones_opera/">kleptones opera</a> (as individual tracks or one huge zip), and <a href="http://www.fivetools.com/pph/index.html">a free record from peter hughes</a> (sometimes of mountain goats)<blockquote>Listen to these songs. Download 'em. P2P 'em. Burn 'em to a CD and play 'em really loud in your car with the windows down. And if you get tired of listening to crappy 128kbps mp3s, I'll send you a CD-R for eight bucks postpaid.</blockquote></li> <li><a href="http://www.knife-party.net/flash/barry.html">what barry says</a> (QT movie)</li> <li><a href="http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4052525">Cornel West: Debates as Jazz</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.vday.org/main.html">vday.org</a></li> <li>"<a href="http://monkhouse.blogspot.com/2004_10_01_monkhouse_archive.html#109776579975465216">Last night's debate was such crap</a>."<blockquote>Terms like "raise standards" become code-phrases for "burden teachers with more federally-mandated procedures that slow down the entire classroom process". We already have the state trying to fix everything. We have our school district trying to fix everything. We don't need another govermental agency keeping us "accountable". I have to do so much crap-- it's amazing we ever get to teach beyond the required curriculum. Here's my thought. Hire good teachers. Let them teach.... Every other morning, I meet with one Chinese student in the library. I tutor her so she can pass the government-mandated TAKS test. She must pass in order to graduate. However, she's only been in this country a short time and her English is very weak. I've been trying hard, but I don't know if she's going to pull through it. Which is unfortunate, give her another year or two and she'd ace it. No doubt in my mind.</blockquote></li> </ul>14154602ElsewhereDaniel2004-10-14T03:45:49stagerip mix burn the bush administrationI already <a href="index.php?file=2004_05.xml&id=479">spoke my peace about Creative Commons</a>, and have yet to implement a CC license on any DJDC content. But for once I don't want to have to give individual permissions to mess with my IP. I want as many people as possible remixing this shit, re-writing it, re-record the whole thing, just use the words in some random thing, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH THIS TRACK, make money on it, license your new shit any way you want, all you have to do is stick my name on it somewhere: the following song is <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license</a>: <a href="http://danielsjourney.com/media/Daniel%20Miller%20Band%20-%20demos%20-%20The%20Bush%20Administration.mp3">The Bush Administration</a> 7.25M 256kbps mp3 (see below for mp3's of the individual guitar and vocal tracks) I actually wrote this song a few months ago, but I've just recently returned to my <a href="http://www.korg.com/gear/info.asp?a_prod_no=D12&category_id=3">D12</a> to cut demos. While I like this tune, it's not the kind of thing I can do much with on my own, and I wanted it out there before elections. So I threw this mix together pretty quick (I throw all my demos together quickly due to some subconscious utilitarian taskmaster who tells me it's a waste of time), hoping the world wide interwebbie could make use of it before it's too late. Here are the lyrics and an approximation of the chords:<blockquote>"The Bush Administration" E - B - A - B - E - B - A - G E - B - A - B - E - B - A - G - F# I made you, I'll break you I made you and I will destroy your life 2x E - B - F# - G Power corrupts Ridiculous power corrupts ridiculously 2x I love you, die for me I love you, die for me and my bank account 2x chorus It's not lying, it's not deception It's creative use of the truth 2x chorus</blockquote>Here are the individual tracks (just one guitar and one vocal) for those who know what to do with such things (and if you need a better copy, just contact me)...please don't listen to the vocal only track just for shits and giggles (so embarrassing!): <a href="http://danielsjourney.com/media/Daniel%20Miller%20Band%20-%20demos%20-%20The%20Bush%20Administration%20-%20guitar%20only.mp3">The Bush Administration guitar only</a> <a href="http://danielsjourney.com/media/Daniel%20Miller%20Band%20-%20demos%20-%20The%20Bush%20Administration%20-%20vocal%20only.mp3">The Bush Administration vocal only</a>. Well interwebbie, I didn't abort this thing, I decided to pop it out, so now give it a good, loving home (where it can grow) will you!12115238MusicDaniel2004-10-12T11:52:19stagethe universe conspires...we hopeThe place, littered with the mess of depression and recording (if you'll see these demos contingent on how I feel about them after days or weeks), I'll tell you the other happy story. Thursday two-thirds of <a href="http://underde.com">under[de]construction</a> went to meet with <a href="http://herotozero.org">Hal Samples</a> regarding his projects' web [de]sign/[de]velopment needs. (<a href="http://www.rearviewwindow.com/blog/2004/10/000772.php">Joshua has already written about it</a>.) Hal is accomplishing a lot through synergistic gift-economy relationships. Unfortunately, both Joshua and I already have a lot of pro-bono work on our plate, and we're both at the end of our financial rope metaphors. I'd already begun a relationship with Hal through <a href="http://sarahjanesemrad.com">Sarah</a>, and he's showing at <a href="http://irgallery.net">the gallery</a> early next year. His broader goals for his organization match those of <a href="http://integrationresearch.org">IR</a>, so I had a natural interest in his work to begin with. Back to Thursday. Because we couldn't possibly partition any more time for anything that isn't billing, Joshua was about ready to leave the meeting when I finally jumped in. I basically wiped the table clean and said, "Irregardless* of whether we are involved in this or not, let's figure out what your needs are and how we can get these problems solved." I then facilitated planning out the requirements for Hal's sites, and possible ways to get those requirements met and resourced. By the end of our meeting, which lasted well over two hours, Hal was committed to compensating Joshua according to his needs, and Joshua was committed to doing the work for Hal (contingent on getting to the details of this middle ground). I learned a bit about myself as well, that I have some serious abilities in problem solving, meeting facilitation, and group mediation. But my ability to carve out this win-win solution was contingent on a couple things, namely honesty and value-sharing. Because all parties were honest about their needs and potential to deliver, there was no gaming. And because all parties had the same values--specifically transcendence within sustainability--we could be that honest, and all authentically work towards a win for the other party. Like I told Hal, "If we over-commit and then can't deliver because we have to move on to billable work to pay the rent, then we all lose." On the other hand, if down the road this relationship brings us more work with any of the number of businesses touching Hal's project, chances are we'll gladly do future feature-adds or updates for a smile and a handshake. I told Joshua as we left that there are few business relationships that work like that--without gaming involved--where both parties can work together honestly to achieve a win-win. Even if we don't end up actually performing the work or getting our logo on the sites, it is valuable to maintain that relationship. *Update: I've been since reminded that this is a "Bushism." There is no such word, the word is simply "regardless." But I'm quite certain I actually used that word in the meeting, which makes me not quite as smart as I've made myself out to be, now doesn't it?11022457MinutiaDaniel2004-10-11T02:24:44stagea first. maybe.*today i was solicited by a prostitute. i think. i was in <a href="http://sarahjanesemrad.com">sarah</a>'s neighborhood, oak cliff. i had just stopped at a texaco to fill up my tires, which were much too low for their own good. i'm pulling out of texaco... oh shit i have to admit that i smoke to tell this story. oh well. i think most of you know or could have guessed. i see a woman standing on the sidewalk talking on her cell phone, looking like she's ready to go out to the clubs or something, except it's 3:15 in the afternoon, and i think to myself, "that looks like a prostitute!" which i thought odd because of the neighborhood (maybe not?), so then i thought, "nah." she sees me and gives me the sign for "can i bum a smoke?" so i roll down my passenger side window and give her one. and the conversation went like this. i'll leave it to you to decide: "thanks. can you give me a ride?" "um, sure, where to?" thinking that if it's the direction i'm heading anyway, no problem. "i don't know. i need to make some money." "..." thinking: wtf? oh shit! "no." "no?" she acted surprised. i'm wondering, did i miss something? is there some secret communication between prostitutes and their clients i'm not privy to? did i give the sign unknowningly? and worst of all, do i look like that kind of guy? (don't answer that question!) i pulled away. end of story. i sold art <a href="index.php?file=2004_10.xml&id=06160832">tonight</a>, which was a great feeling. an art prof bought <a href="http://danielsjourney.com/blog/files/2004/10/black_white.jpg">a piece</a>. like, she has her phd in ART, people. that is very cool. and i think i might have been the only person to sell work tonight. i'm also pretty sure mine was the least expensive there (out of something like 15 artists). after that show i went to see my favorite band, the happy bullets, play at my favorite bar, sons of hermann. their set made me very happy indeed. after they played a new band with local luminaries from bedhead/the new year and some other bigger local acts played and they were also very good. and i didn't drink a thing. more happy story tomorrow. like my local barkeep would say: "even a blind squirrel will back into a nut every now and then." *Update: I've since remembered this one time, driving from Czech Rep to Germany, through a town notorious for prostitutes (border town and all), a woman flashed us (there was someone else with me). There was, like, snow on the ground at the time. She was standing next to a little hut. Kinda scary.09015352MinutiaDaniel2004-10-08T11:53:02stagethe dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had<a href="http://blogs.salon.com/0001772/2004/09/24.html#a391">#</a> Tonight I wish it was like the old days with danielsjourney, back when it was dealingwith.blogspot.com and I didn't know a couple friends had found it already. For some reason this is where I want to come when I'm sad. I want to come here and write. I think of danielsjourney as a place. I know that's a little strange. The blog software comes on the screen and I feel like I've left my life behind. I feel like I'm the one that matters here. My feelings matter. What I need matters. Only it's not the old days. Potential clients and employers end up here. People I just met once find out a lot before our next meeting. My family cringes everytime I say fuck. Other people's friends and moms who hate me find more to hate. Hell, I can't even legally mention the person-I-am-legally-not-allowed-to-mention. So I can't share details about what's going on. But it's 11:20 pm and my stomach is in knots of grief. I live alone in a large loft in a neighborhood with a lot of bars. I can't remember the last night I did not drink at one of them. And tonight, awake but mentally drained, I can't tell you how tempting it is to just walk across the street and have a couple pints. But it is rarely only a couple. I already have a couple addictions hanging over my head, and adding alcoholism to the list doesn't really sound good, financially or otherwise. So this morning I promised myself to not go to the bar tonight. I'm supposedly an introvert. I'm supposedly ok hanging all my lonesome working on some project or another. But lately the nights have been very long, and the project-working has been very not-happening. I've been getting out during the day and working around other people, but something kicks in around 10 pm and I get very alone, inside. I don't know if this is an after effect of not being alone for 5+ years. I don't know if it is an effect of the space I now call home. I don't know if it the simply getting tired of pulling these heavy bodies across the ground by our fingernails, many mirages but no oasises in sight. It's probably a combination of all, plus some I didn't just think of. But I've made choices and committments and so I'm left with few options but to continue to crawl. I made choices knowing full well how difficult they would make my life. Knowing full well how post-difficulty, win or lose, they would be the most fulfilling. But in-difficulty it is hard to still see that end, and it is particularly hard when in fear that it will be lose, not win. History is full of stories of last-minute miracles. Jesus himself seemed unconcerned on a number of occasions when mere men ran to him and said that it was too late. The end had already come, they said. I'm coming to Jesus tonight and telling him, the end has already come, in many ways. His lack of concern is not comforting. For once I need Jesus to freak out with me, to cry until we're laughing, then collapsing into comfortable chairs, suddenly forgetting everything, present in the quiet moment. "You fucked up again, son," he would say. "I know," I would say. "It's ok. It's going to be ok." "You mean like last time it was going to be ok?" And my sarcasm would cut him and he would frown in sadness, and I would start crying again, mumbling, "I just don't know, I just don't know..." Eventually, I guess, I would fall asleep. And like Santa Claus, he would be gone back up the chimney by morning. Eventually, I guess, I will fall asleep. I'll pray quietly as I lay down for no more nightmares. I'll pray quietly that I not think about the ten things I didn't do today, added to the ten things I didn't do yesterday, added to... I'm a sinner. That's what we mean when we say that. What I know is right and good I abandon for things that are not right and not good. There are lessons I still have not learned. So tonight, there is only danielsjourney for me. I remember now that's why I started writing here in the first place. I remember those old days when no one knew me and tossing my passion into the void of the Internet felt like casting my bread on the waters. Do you think God might consider danielsjourney one big prayer from me? Even the cussing and the weakness and when I am skewed and crazy? Maybe God will consider what I'm writing tonight as a prayer. I like thinking that could be true. It's raining with me, but there is always an end to the storm. I keep telling myself that.07234404MinutiaDaniel2004-10-07T11:14:03stageart showI'm showing two color photographs at the <a href="http://www.sarahjanesemrad.com/blog/000313.html">SOTA/CityChurch show</a> Friday evening. Make it there 7-9 with a Benjamin and scoot out of there with two cool SA shots for that naked wallspace of yours. :)06160832AnnouncementsDaniel2004-10-07T04:04:48stagebummerA mom hates me. Just to clarify: MY mom loves me. <a href="index.php?file=2002_12_15.xml&id=93">And I love my mom</a>. But the fact that this person who hates me is a mom seems significant in some way. In a way different from man hate or childless-woman hate. It's hard for me to believe, even as I hear my inside voice as I type it, so let me say it again. A. Mom. Hates. Me. Hate is such a strong emotion. I only call this hate because it was asked of this mom if she would ever change her feelings towards me, and she said that she would not. Only love and hate inspire such long-term promises of devotion to their passions, and this much I know: it ain't love she feels for me. There are very few people, at least that I know about, that hate me. Some merely tolerate me (and mostly I tolerate them). Some really don't have an opinion. But in general I think most people quickly come to understand many characteristics of my personality: a straight shooter, ready to laugh, often willing victim of my appetites, warm, ready to cry, comfortable with quiet, and very passionate about certain things, things that ultimately have to do with what it means to be human, a part of humanity, a seeker of stories, beauty and Meaning. When I can't avoid The Hate (as it were), I always struggle. Why does this person hate me so much? Because I don't believe the same way she believes? Because of my bad habits? Because of my past? Did I spill something on her carpet? Why does anyone hate anyone else? I was thinking about Jesus, because you know, I'm always wondering <a href="http://www.cafeshops.com/bridezilla/156657">What The Fuck Would Jesus Do</a>? He was a guy who had a lot of hate directed towards him. I'm a little wary to mention it, what with The Passion Bullshit and all this year (not to mention the words and actions of our Pontiff-in-Chief), but I'm finding myself relating to Jesus' reactions to The Hate: confusion, irritation, frustration and finally, a near-silent resignation to those who would wish to hurt him. I don't know what to do. Both communication and silence only contribute to the problem. I don't know how to be any more honest or polite. Sometimes I wish I'd just be like everyone else and pretend to be what everyone else-else wanted them to be, irregardless of reality. But alas.06025204CommentDaniel2004-10-06T02:49:51stagein flightJust after the seatbelt sign went off and people jumped to their feet, as I was hunched over my bag restowing my various entertainments, I felt something heavy but soft land on my head, from above. It fell in front of me and I immediately recognized it as my bag, which until then had been in the overhead compartment a seat back. I looked back and saw a middle aged man with rapidly retreating black hair and a number of gold chains glaring at me. I laughed. "You shoved that thing right in front of my bag," he said loud enough for several rows to hear. "This?" I asked, "This pillow?" holding up my backpack which contained only clothes. "I hoped there was something hard in there," he retorted, in a tone that could only mean, "so that it would bruise your fucking head." "Oh, so you wish ill on strangers?" I asked rhetorically. "You must be a politian." That got a laugh. "You must be one of those people who advocated atomic warheads for Iraq and hurricane Ivan." That only ellicited chuckles. He huffed and turned back to his bags. I did the same, sans huff.05002003FictionDaniel2004-10-05T12:19:48stageJudah Fan Club<img src="files/2004/09/judah01.jpg" /> <img src="files/2004/09/judah02.jpg" /> <img src="files/2004/09/judah03.jpg" /> <img src="files/2004/09/judah04.jpg" /><blockquote>Judah: "And see? That's how you write a recursive XSLT function." Daniel: "..."</blockquote>03134951ImaginingDaniel2004-10-04T01:49:17stageUntitledI am constantly comforting myself, when rejection repeatedly rears its ugly head and I am faced with the divisiveness occurant in our country, that the trickster and prophet is remembered and the individual citizen raising one arm high in tapestried stadiums is not. Those citizens may feel comfort in their mass, fear for their perceived enemies, and awe and respect for their leaders, but in the end their leaders and their armies are only going to win or lose; either way only dictators and generals are remembered. The long now requires us to look futher ahead than just another administration, the end or non-end of a war, the perpetuation or demise of an empire. Our stomachs and children's stomachs living in this time when intelligence and innovation are largely co-opted or legislated require us to look no further than this month or this quarter. This country needs a modern trickster myth whispered in parlors by retirees as much as it is spoken about in underground "coffee shops." It needs to transcend collegiate fraternal orders and the chess club. It needs to undermine not just political authority, but the fear that drives us to bow before the smoke and mirrors that convince us we see a cross where there is really a gun. Your vote will not create this trickster myth. We need a silent revolution that lives in communities. We need technological protocols that are invisible to the red eyes of the FBI-RIAA demon-child. We need a clever love that confuses the chickenhawks into silence. And we need more stories. This season of political best-sellers has been so depressing. It is too late. Terror has won. They have driven us to a fear and paranoia that erodes our culture like a cancer. They have manipulated our leadership into foolish, unprecidented states of war that spread our collective defenses lunically thin and act like membership drives, bloody telethons for Al Queda. I do not think Kerry will be able to fix this. But I'm more willing to take my chances that he will pause for one second before yanking the last 10 percent of my civil liberties away from me. If Bush is re-elected, we all might as well march to DC, stand with our backs to the white house, pants around the ankles, bent over. Yes Mr. Secret Service agent, I did enema this morning. And if Bush evokes the name of God one more time I will be sick. My only hope is that one day he will meet God and God can clear things up for him and his teeth will gnash into little stubs, much like mine. I do believe our communities' narratives could fix this. Be careful with your community's heart, everyone. Be trustworthy when your friend or brother or sister or business partner present you with honesty. Don't dance like two people stuck in the middle of the hall, unable to pass. This social dance must be cheek to cheek. Whisper in each other's ear. Or don't say anything at all. Just know. I recently wrote in private that I hold people at arm's length these days, in light of what I've experienced. One eyebrow raised, hearing the crazy shit that comes out of mouths these days. Crazy would actually be a positive term compared to what it really is...interesting. Interesting in the light of our interdependence that some would still tend towards selfishness. Interesting in our redemption that some would still try to steal our souls for themselves. Interesting in the light of love that some would still find it so easy to hate. To lie. To steal. To wage war. So I begin to live the trickster myth. To find myself in spots of trouble because I choose to trust. Choose to trust my desires, instincts. Choose to trust others. Choose to let the wary word escape my lips, the word that allows instead of disallows. The word the opens instead of closes. The word that questions instead of answers. And I will tell that story. Tell a story.03004606CommentDaniel2004-10-03T12:44:20stage